rur

2011-11-14T01:19:00.002+07:00

I'm so tired.

I want my manicure to dry first before the bread crumbs start to fall off again.

2011-10-19T16:10:00.005+07:00

She kissed him.
It was something that come rather naturally.
Kissing, as to seal their first union.

He was delightful, to the extent of shutting down her mind.
He alternated between warm and hot,
letting her melt at the right temperature, but not enough to burn her down.

His lips, his body, his words interweaving with one another to sink to her pores.
She closed her eyes, inviting him to penetrate her senses even deeper.
He was already inside, yet she exerted more force for him to arrive at the point where she wanted him to be.

She kissed him.
Their lips was technically locked to each other, yet she wanted him to fill in every crevice that needed mending.
She reached out, intertwining her arms to his, leaving no space vacant.

He was bliss in form of human, that touching his skin alone was an experience she had longed for.
Slowly, deliberately, she immersed herself in him as he did in her.
She let him explore her throughly, knowing that all passages were open for him to move.

It was his mind that she's after, and unyieldingly so, seeking the opening to it.
Words had gotten lost in translation from the moment their eyes held on each other's presence.
Contradictively so, since words were the elusive velcro that glued them in.

She kissed him.
Her heart lifted, leaped even, as her physique jolted.
Her mind was scattered, like the words that wrap them together.

"You can't live without coffee and cigarettes."
He pierced through the silence, inserting his conclusion in.
"Well now that you've had your experience."

She was staring into his eyes.
They were the most beautiful pair she had ever seen, she swore.
She could've jumped and drowned there, but she knew that she never could.

She just kissed him again.
And again.
And again.

2011-10-03T02:32:00.010+07:00

"Drunk as drunk on turpentine."
The woman confessed, effusively throwing her spent physique on the bed.

"I'm surprised you still managed to come home."
The man replied, without even taking his eyes off Dostoyevsky.
"Alone I mean, with no companion."
He proceeded curtly.

"The choice was limited so thanks but no thanks. I'd rather wank myself off."
She slurred, with her head slumped still on the pillow.
Her slinky, greasy hair made a friction to her face as she attemped to move.
She then unwittingly laughed it off.

He was cold and immovable with less than slight interest in her.
His eyes were fixed to the Dostoyevsky phrase that he was comprehending.

She went on with her lament.
Head still sunk in the folds of feather pillows she bought on a whim, eerily calculating at that time,
as her day long mascara started to smear off the sheets.
"Please don't cut the fuse, my muse."
She whispered, almost inaudible.
"I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair."

He glanced.
It was incomplete projectory, but he just couldn't conceal a smile.
The woman looked so helpless and frail, but he just knew that she just stepped forward.
She wouldn't let him peeked her soul, for that she managed to hide her eyes from him.
He wasn't even trying, to the extent to reach further than she let him.
Aside from that, he wasn't physically available to take advantage of her.

"Say I'm going to recite you a moments indulgence, would you just go to sleep and forget about it?"
He stabbed in, breaking the silence.

That made her smile, with agony.
She shook her head in disbelief.
"You're kicking me off. I am that blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at your feet."

He buried his gaze on his book, again.
"Not at all."

She shut her eyes tight.
His sharp remark darted right through her core.
"Oh yes it is. Maybe you're just as lonely as I am.
Stirring yourself a penchant for a temporary fix wherever you see fit."
She paused, licking her tainted lips.

Then she decided for a change.
She sat right up, and without preparation she just stared at him.
At his unnerving depth.
First cold, then gradually blankly.
"Sadly, that need is perpetual.
And when you're not getting it right, it's hard to let Jekyll wins.
Am I right?"

He braced for that momentary lapse of reason.
He let go of a deep sigh, with a mutter,
"Why does it have to be complicated?"
His eyes were fixed on hers.
They were dark, and blank.
There was no telling at the surface level.
But pulling the veil aside, though, the story would've been quite different.

"You're drunk."
He summed it up.
His deep set of eyes went home.

She slumped back to her bed.
Conversation has ended, to her knowledge.
"It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!"
She was hissing out of rage.

He was about to respond, only she acted fast enough to turn the phone off,
thus the video call was dismissed.

He was back to his room.
Wherever that was.

And her alone in her bed.
Before her mind could produce a thought, it went hibernating as she had fell asleep so soundly,
in a moment of breathing.
The wisps of her hair swayed as she moved her head.
Her eyes were shut, and blanketed in her own joys where trespassing are highly unwelcomed.

And she smiled, through the day old stain on her lips in which foretold her,
And I thrill, then, I thrill that it cannot be so.

Until then, good night.

2011-08-11T11:44:00.007+07:00

She rolled on the bed, turning to face him, whom she had just rolled onto awhile ago.
She tilted her head.
He was just sitting there, not far from her whereabout, smoking with his eyes widely shut.
Smoking hot, she made a remark she kept to herself.

"Did you enjoy it?"
He attempted a conversation, as his eyes started to unfold.
They were sparkling, with worldly energy and bunch of such.
An hour ago they were drenched in passion and bathed in lust.
She wondered if they ever run out of sparkles, just because.
But even if so, he must've done it on purpose.

He produced a laugh.
Shaking his head, he cussed inaudible nouns.
He proceeded to laugh.

He was attractive, and young.
His skin alone was a come hither invitation she couldn't manage to say no to.
How lovely it was to touch, and to indulge in such thing.
And since its sole purpose was to protect the goodness inside, she couldn't care less about the wrapping.
It was always about what is housed inside the wrap that mattered to her.
A beautiful mind never failed to be something she enjoyed immersing into.
Something to worship, even.
His, was quite alluring, enough to lure her to the shrine.

She rolled to the opposite direction, now facing herself in the mirror.
Her mind was too busy to scan and register any other species around her.
But that was how they end up in this shrine anyway.
Every species just have that ability to locate their kind, that's how they mate.
Each approbation system has its own boundary, depends on the member of the house.
And theirs, have been set.

She roamed her own reflection with delight.
Mussed up hair, damp skin glistened with a tingle of pink.
Pheromone hangover looking for escape into the thin air, whittled down by help of cigarette smoke and sobriety.
And of course, that feeling.
Titillated yet unsatiated, which she swore by.
According to her, that wasn't addiction, for that was the absolute purity.

She let out a smile, just to reciprocate another smile in the mirror.
Wicked, dark, epitomic.
His.

2011-08-04T16:50:00.006+07:00

If you still want me to be there,
I'd be there in a minute to say:
"I love you enough to drive like an hour from wherever I am to be with you"

And it is always the simplest shit that means the most.

Baths - You're My Excuse to Travel

2011-04-16T17:55:00.002+07:00

Dia menghisap rokoknya dalam - dalam.
Hampir habis satu pak.
Tapi nafsu sedang memburunya tanpa henti.
Tak sedetikpun ia diberi kesempatan untuk mencuri nafas.
Ia tidak peduli.
Dibiarkannya nafsu mendekat, menggelayuti, bahkan menggerayanginya habis - habisan.

Dia tersenyum.
Rasanya seperti bercinta dengan kekasih yang lama tak dijumpainya.
Bagai ada sesosok tubuh yang hangat menggumulinya dengan mesra, penuh gelora.
Hingga kesadaran berada pada titik nol, dan nafas jadi satu - satu tanpa rima.
Hingga setiap sentuhan yang tercipta mengakselerasi kenikmatan yang tak terkira.
Ia tidak sadar.
Bahkan nafasnya sendiripun terengah - engah tak beraturan.

Dia menoleh.
Senja sudah mulai meniupkan auranya.
Perlahan, lembut, menggelitik kulit lehernya.
Merah muda, malu - malu menggeser duduknya, seperti perawan saja layaknya.
Tanpa sadar ia menggigit bibirnya.
Seluruh inderanya tergoda manja.
Lalu sontak mengirim pesan pada tubuhnya, merindukan nikmat bercinta.
Ia kembali tersenyum, sedang tidak bisa, jawab pikiran pada hatinya.

Dia menghela nafas.
Tidak bisa, sayang, ulangnya lagi pada diri sendiri.
Kali ini bibirnya yang berkata, walaupun tanpa suara.
Ia sadar betul, bahwa hari - hari bukannya melambat ataupun berhenti untuknya.
Hanya mengambil nafas, seperti ia sekarang, untuk memulai lagi perjalanan baru.
Entah kapan bagian tersebut hidup lagi, ia masih belum tau.
Ia menikmati keberadaannya saat ini, tepat di tempat ia berdiri.

Dia mematikan rokoknya.
Perlahan, dijejaknya ujung bara tersebut ke dasar asbak di pinggir kakinya.
Warna merahnya membahana, bagai menggodanya dengan janji tak berbatas.
Senja sudah tiba, tepat di hadapannya.
Nafasnya seakan tercekat, seluruh inderanya mencecap aura senja yang mengurungnya.
Dalam hatinya ia berharap ada satu belah jiwa lain yang sedang menikmati detik per detik suasa.

Dia menyalakan lagi sebatang rokok.
Masih cukup waktu, untuk saling menikmati yang sedang tercipta.
Dibiarkannya senja menggerayangnya tanpa ampun.
Ia tau ia tidak akan berhenti untuk sembarang rasa.
Nyala api rokok tak akan hidup sepanjang malam, kenapa tidak nikmati saja dulu yang ada?
Ia melirik jam di hadapannya.
Sabtu, 16 April 2011, 5:55pm.
Ia tersenyum.
Masih ada beberapa batang rokok lagi,
sebelum dua gelas Tanqueray tonic menyambang mejanya.

2011-03-21T03:11:00.004+07:00

Hello, there.

After my suitable interval of hiatus, I thought it would be great to boot back by providing myself (and whoever reading this piece) with some introspection.
Undoubtedly, since this is my blog, this piece is all about heart matter.

I thought I was going to be mushy, sappy and all that when writing this.
But apparently, I can be more level-headed than I thought.

I've just had my dose of goody recently.
Yes, again, although I must say this time it's a calculated, expected one.
Oh what had happened, if one may inquire?
Oh just for quite a long time, I had been dwelling in a not-going-here-nor-there state of being with someone.

It was a very long play, which was run in three sequences.

The first half was award-winning drama with Felliniesque manner that every audience should prepare handkerchief upon the play.
I thought I managed to step out of the stage in style.
But of course, my counterpart wouldn't let it go that easy.
He was persistent, insistent in chasing me down to the pavement, and yes of course, lavished me with those words that every women were dying to hear.
He had blown me a hope in a jar of glass.
It was beautiful :) Seriously was.

And then the second half started.
The Felliniesque party had soured out, this one started as a cheesy teenage girl-flick.
Very fruity floral, if I might say.
I even started to do things I rarely did - heart ruled over head - I yielded to the pleasure of feeling someone close, physically and emotionally.
And before I knew it, I fell into grace, straight to the bottom of the jar.
Truly, madly, deeply.
To my surprise, my counterpart freaked out upon the fact and immediately checked out of the hotel.
Acknowledging it was the hardest thing to do, it was like being forced to drink a bad medicine.
Before the medicine had even been fully gulped, he had vanished without a trace.
All my veins, my capillaries, reacted strangely, like every single cells in my body screamed for a shadow.
It is true when you have your heart broken, it's literally painful you can hardly breathe.
Tears flowed, as the by product of the unparalleled pain.

But I wasn't going to lose the battle, or so I thought.
Then the third sequence played itself out.
I was already scheming things before they're even plotted.
But life is what happens to you when you're busy making plans.
While I was busy writing down the blue prints, the ugly truth presented itself out, whacking me right in my face.
The hope in a jar? It had been smashed right through the window by its maker.
He had literally blown it off.

That grand gesture was the act finale of the very long play.
The curtain had closed.
And this time, for good.

Am I sorry that it's gone?
To my dismay, I'm not.
The story had written itself out of the scenario and I'm too tired running around to keep up with it.
I am truly glad it's over.

As with any level of doneness, of course there were streaky lines here and there.
I was so naive to ever put the rose colored glasses on when he told me to.
The color was so deceiving I even thought he was that good looking.
Somehow my imagination had run wild, picturing the greenery was meadow of grass, never had it that it was murky swamp in actual.
And I almost had it in me that I could be winning the grand prize.
I've forgotten that there were never any grand prize, knowing the beauty contest runs every weekend with no telling if it will ever end.
If there were any prize at all, it was for ego of our own, to ever carry the John Doll of the year in our purse.

And so, for the closing, I'd like to make a toast to the winner.
Congratulations on your winning streak, again.
You might be inspecting your stellar jar of hearts closely, smirking, just before you put yourself to sleep tonight.
I salute you and I hope you are happy.

Yet as a friend put it, "Sometimes what you lose is not as important as what you find."
I think both he and I, have found the things we need afterplay.
We both win this time.
It's just that we're standing on different podiums.

2011-01-06T20:48:00.009+07:00

In a perfect world,
Morning calls would be an easy feat.
I wouldn’t be needing a clock alarm to bring me back to earth at 7am sharp.
And even if it does, I wouldn’t be bothered to extend my arms and fumble around the drawer to hit the snooze button.

In a perfect world,
I wouldn’t have to carry power plugs around, especially when the life of my laptop and Android phone is about to end.
I would be sipping my latte while the car takes me out and about.
I wouldn’t even have to worry if the weather would change personality anytime soon.

In a perfect world,
I wouldn’t have to hail a cab home.
And after getting a seat in the musty smelling interior, I wouldn’t have the urge to curse at every intersection.
I wouldn’t even have to give any direction to the driver.

In a perfect world,
I would open the fridge, and be truly excited with whatever I might find inside.
I would even switch the TV on while having myself a cup of piping hot Indomi Kari Ayam.
But then again, I might not be tempted to have any midnight snacks at all.

In a perfect world,
I wouldn’t have any trouble sleeping, even if it’s past midnight.
And in my deepest sleep, I wouldn’t ever wake up at 3 am, to an sms caster from unknown number, innocently offering information of such bank loans and credit cards.
And I might not care about that, or even my own bills anyway.

In a perfect world,
I wouldn’t have to suppress all my feelings inside and lie to you about it.
I would be whacking down barriers to come to your warm embrace.
I would be holding your arms tightly and then let my mouth utter an honest “ I love you.”

In a perfect world,
You would be holding me tight and whisper into my ears, "You're home now...."

2010-11-17T21:58:00.008+07:00

Dua tubuh itu masih juga saling berdiam sejak tadi.
Padahal senja sudah bersiap meninggalkan mereka, sudah tak sabar untuk menggumuli si gelap malam.
Hasratnya menggila, meninggalkan merah dadu di semesta, menekan rasa hangat semakin dalam merangsak.

Si lelaki perlahan menyapu pipi perempuan itu dengan jemarinya.
Rasa hangat itu juga merangsak di hatinya, berlipat - lipat tanpa diduga.
Ribuan pertanyaan yang tadinya ada di sana terlindas seperti tikus di jalan raya, masih ada, tapi mungkin lebih baik dibiarkan mengering agar mudah dikelupas nantinya.
Untuk sementara memang agak mengganggu, tapi sepertinya lebih baik begitu.

Perempuan itu diam saja.
Matanya belum berkedip dari tadi, dan setiap detiknya seperti merekam lelaki itu dalam ingatannya, lalu dalam hatinya.
Merah dadu yang mengintip mereka dari balik tirai jendela tak sabar menunggu adegan selanjutnya.
Warnanya menorehkan nuansa pada permukaan kulit si lelaki, serupa citra cinta.

Mulut si lelaki masih rapat terkunci.
Jemarinyalah yang menggantikan kata - kata.
Setiap detik yang berganti adalah jeritan kerinduan dan ribuan pertanyaan.
Yang tersimpan rapi dalam bilik - bilik rahasianya, hingga entah kapan ia rela bagi.

Si perempuan menahan bibirnya tetap rapat.
Dalam dirinya berjejalan permintaan dan pertanyaan.
Yang sayangnya disembunyikan dalam gelap matanya.
Merah dadu membiarkan lembayung menyeruak.
Nuansa warna begitu sarat rasa, semakin menggoda dan bergelora.

Senja sudah tak sabar lagi.
Dibiarkannya gelap malam merayapi tubuhnya penuh nafsu.
Dibiarkannya tubuhnya yang kemerahan semakin terbakar asmara.
Hingga mereka melebur jadi satu.

Perempuan itu menghela napas.
Menatap si lelaki sebelum akhirnya merelakan kelopak matanya untuk mengerjap.
Si lelaki menggeser lengannya merapat dengan lengan si perempuan.
Ia sadar sebentar lagi perempuan ini akan beranjak.

"Jangan pergi sekarang."
Bisiknya, begitu dekat dengan telinga si perempuan.
Disandarkannya kepalanya pada leher si perempuan, mengunci geraknya.

"Waktunya memang nggak pernah tepat, kan?"
Lirih si perempuan, sebelum mengecup lembut ubun - ubun si lelaki dengan mesra.

"Kita tunggu sampai pagi."
Dengan cepat si lelaki membalas.

Si perempuan kembali menghela napas. Kali ini lebih panjang.
"Nggak bisa, sayang..."

Si lelaki mematung. Dihimpitnya si perempuan hingga posisi tubuh mereka berdua saling mengunci.
"Astaga. Siklus ini selalu berulang."

Si perempuan membisu
Pasrah, tak berkutik dalam ketakberdayaan hingga terasa perlahan matanya mulai basah.
Rasa hangat yang tadinya menelusur dengan menggebu perlahan meredup, seiring gelap malam yang melanda.
Hanya berat di hati masih menggeluti, sama dengan tubuh si lelaki.
Tapi saat rindu sudah terisi penuh dan sudah meluap, bagian berbenah memang selalu terasa susah.
Walaupun yang tertahan masih saja jadi beban dan belum juga sempat tumpah.
Masa sudah nyaris punah.

Si perempuan memeluk erat si lelaki.
Menghirup aroma tubuh yang digilainya itu, lalu perlahan bibirnya menyusuri kulit si lelaki.
Sebelum si lelaki menyambutnya dengan pagutan lembut yang digilainya.
Sebelum tangan mulai saling menggenggam dan tubuh kembali saling bertautan hingga terbakar dan melebur jadi satu.
Sebelum gelap malam berpamitan dan terang pagi datang untuk menihilkan segala.

Dan sampai itu tiba, mereka akan selalu saling mencari.
Hingga senja bergulir kembali, dan waktu berputar lagi.

2010-10-12T23:08:00.004+07:00

"Do you still miss him sometimes?"

She mused a bit over the question, then let out a heavy sigh as reply.
She mastered to produce a laugh from her lips while she mouthed a mute "You're so funny."

Her thoughts were muddled, just as the rambunction of brands of bottles that were displayed.
Colorplay flashed around, as if knocking at her, looking for permission to get in and to take her somewhere far.
She averted her eyes, rejecting the invitation.
She closed her eyes to regain her composure.
Then with after a sharp sigh, she weaved her next words carefully, softly.
"Maybe. But it's never as much the way I always miss you...."
She proceeded to lean forward and kiss his lips with all her might.

He registered her lie instantly.
And he didn't mind.

2010-10-06T23:31:00.009+07:00

Love Dogma.

And after bunch of tumbling wilted flowers and damp, dark stained pillowshams.
And those broken glasses, wee hours misunderstood and whatevers came out who knows what.
It’s distilled in the hands of time that the sun rises in your eyes.

After all those, you’re still the one to share midnight fries and muck around with.

So let the beer flow freely this time and, if the bartender allows, the bill goes unsplittable, too.

2010-09-06T02:39:00.006+07:00

My recent weekend ended with a newsbreak.
My cousin is getting a divorce.
Honestly we - am speaking as one large group of family here - weren't so shattered upon hearing the news, yet still have the heart (on pretending) to empathize and care.

They were your regular couple - suburban young couple with daytime job, wear mostly chucked up smile or false apprehension, wife cooks in the kitchen, husband roots at the garage - type of starting up family.
They were united through wedding band for 5 years, after a long relationship for about another 5.

At first glance, of course our reaction was, "What a pity..."
But it didn't last long until my father spoke the unspoken thoughts of everyone in the room, "What a relief! I never saw them as a happy couple anyway! She married him just for the sake of getting married!"

He was probably right.
I've never caught them exchanging glances as if eating each other out (with a spoon), not even lovingly smile to each other.
Never one of those I-can't-wait-to-be-alone-with-you-so-I-can-fuck-your-brains-out or I-love-you-madly-I-love-you-madly-I-love-you-madly-let's-fuck.

Well I remember vaguely 5 years ago how she wanted badly to wear the wedding gown.
And they've been together for way too long so marriage seemed like a good idea at that time.
And they simply didn't know what else to do after 5 years of being together - which was strongly shown in streaks of shots during the ceremony.
And so to speak.

So what really happened?
I didn't have the heart (and will) to talk her through on the subject.
Yet I couldn't stop pondering.
They've been together for total of 10 years so there must be a giant lasso strangling their hearts they can't be apart from each other.
Even if they couldn't fake happiness, there must be some leftovers in the fridge.
The logic is, a restaurant just won't run smooth if you don't have a cook and an equipped kitchen to work with.
And while it's running, there must be some hiccups on the operational : menu is getting old, electricity goes down, gas run out - or worse - no customer walks in even if you're giving out discounts - then how would you keep your doors open?
After all those start ups, fixed ups, and occasional room for errors to learn to - add up the 10 years of experience in the list, maybe the cook got tired, or the kitchen got burned and the owner doesn't have enough funds to bring it back alive.
People grow, and if the other person doesn't grow as much (or won't allow the capability to do so), the term would be, "You've changed."

My father went on, "Never get married if you don't want to get married with that person particularly. You're going to wake up next to him for the rest of your life. If you can't stand looking at him on a date, you can't stand being in a relationship with him, furthermore, you'd just hate the thought of waking up next to him in the morning. Let alone doing it."

I can recall many of my friends who are happily married.
They do exist.
And then the not-so-happily-married.
They got separated.
And then the so-called-happily-married-but-proudly-and-happily-having-an-extramarital-love-affair(s).
Er... I might never understand the concept, but I'm sure I'd always opt for the former...

My mind wandered after.
Toying with the simulation game my father suggested - in a date, in a relationship, waking up next to - with the several guys that have walked upon my path.
Most of them looked good when in dates, but after the motors start to run as a relationship, I would always scream, yell and intentionally hurt people - just because I can.
Moreover, I'm not sure about the idea of waking up next to someone in the morning.
I've tried previously and copiously, with boyfriends and several others, but none ever felt right.
Of course I consoled with, "You're so comfortable to be with," or "I like waking up next to you".
Right - oh was that the point where people say they're happily married but also prefer a happy extramarital affair as well?
Comfort and style wins this time, and the planet is saved.

Well I might never get to see the light if I never got in the dark.
I might never understand every concepts of marriage under the sun,
but I know if I meet the right person one day who wants me as much as I want him,
I'd get married without slight hesitation.
I know I want to.
It's just that I have yet to find a sleepy face I truly want to put in the picture.
In the blurry romantic idea that mixed up with my sleep deprived thoughts,
I know that one day, I'll wake up next to that sleepy face and the first thought to enter my mind will be, "I'm glad it's you."

Oh and, I might never knew what happened in my cousin's marriage.
But I truly hope she'll find true happiness someday.

2010-07-12T23:02:00.009+07:00

"Satu lagi."
Ucap perempuan itu, jari telunjuknya mengarah pada gelas kosong.

Bartender manis di depannya langsung mengambil gelas itu, langsung menukarnya lagi dengan gelas baru yang masih kinclong, berisi es batu dengan Southern Comfort.
Bibir bartender itu, yang merah berlapis gincu, hanya tersenyum sekenanya.

Perempuan itu mendongak sedikit, mengintip lebih tepatnya.
Bibir bartender itu cantik sekali.
Pasti sering mencium dan dicium laki - laki.
Mungkin juga sering menjelajah bagian tubuh laki - laki dan membuat mereka tergila - gila dan ketagihan.
Tanpa sadar disentuhnya bibirnya sendiri dengan ujung jari.
Bibirnya sendiri itu memang tidak begitu kenal dengan gincu, jarang sekali bersentuhan dengan warna lebih tepatnya.
Tapi entah sudah berapa bibir laki - laki disambanginya.
Entah sudah berapa tubuh laki - laki digelutinya, mungkin juga di seluruh inci.
Perempuan itu tersenyum sendiri, otomatis saja.
Diangkatnya gelasnya, dimiringkannya gelas sehingga cairan manis bersentuhan dengan bibirnya, dibiarkannya cairan tersebut mengalir perlahan, menyusur mulut dan kerongkongannya.
"Ayo, telan."
Seorang laki - laki dalam bayangnya bersuara.
Laki - laki yang menyeringai nakal, berbalut peluh yang berkilat di seluruh permukaan kulitnya.
Pada saat itu perempuan itu begitu patuh, menelan apa yang ada dalam mulutnya.

Perempuan itu masih tersenyum sendiri.
Dia selalu menganalogikan percintaan dengan bar - atau coffee shop, tergantung lawan bicaranya - di mana laki - laki adalah botol - botol minuman yang dipajang.
Berebutan menarik perhatian, siap dinikmati, siap membuatnya kepayang, walaupun efek memabukkan yang ditimbulkan sering membuatnya tidak bahagia sehingga harus ditinggalkan.
Sering sekali ia memilih mereka, botol - botol menarik itu, karena tampak luarnya.
Tentu saja, gimana cara memilih sesuatu dan menikmati isinya tanpa tertarik karena penampilannya? - pikirnya.
Kadang memang botol - botol tersebut begitu rupawan dan menawan sehingga ia tak bisa menahan diri untuk mencoba semua.
Rasa penasaran memang memang tak pernah bisa terpuaskan.

Dia menghela napas.
Selalu akan ada botol baru yang dipajang, selalu akan ada bar baru yang siap membuatnya miskin dan merana.
Waktu hanya alat untuk memperpanjang keinginan duniawinya.
Tak pernah ada satu botolpun yang membuatnya rindu dan ingin lagi bertemu.
Mungkin karena dia tak pernah tau apa yang dia mau.
Logikanya memang harus tau dulu, dari situ baru kita bisa mencari hingga ketemu.

Perempuan itu sama sekali tidak lelah.
Belum. Atau mungkin tak akan pernah.
Dia cuma bosan.
Dia butuh sesuatu yang pasti, untuk diinginkan, untuk dipuja, untuk dibelai.
Kalau bisa untuk seterusnya.
Agar sedikitnya hari - harinya punya sedikit arti dan tidak hanya melulu dihabiskan untuk selalu mencari.

Suara pesan singkat masuk.
"Hey. Pasti kamu belum pulang. Ayo pulang, tidur. Besok malam kita jadi ketemu kan?"
Perempuan itu tersenyum.
Diurungkannya membalas pesan tersebut.
Nanti saja, pikirnya.

Diteguknya minumannya hingga habis.
Lalu dibiarkannya matanya menatap lekat susunan botol berwarna - warni di depannya.
Selalu menggoda, dan selalu penuh warna.
Tapi mungkin untuk menginginkan, memuja dan membelai sesuatu butuh lebih dari sekedar tantangan untuk mencoba.

Perempuan itu memanggil bartender, hendak membayar rupanya.
Bartender cantik itu, dengan bibirnya yang merah merona, siap membakar nafsu untuk dihempas ke bara.
Tapi mata itu yang membuatnya tercekat.
Mata itu begitu legam tak berbatas, tanpa cahaya.
Begitu kesepian, sendirian.
Nafsu sudah lama meninggalkannya, sudah lama memutuskan untuk berlabur dengan gempitanya tata cahaya.
Waktu membiarkannya kosong, begitu saja.
Mungkin tadinya hari - hari pernah begitu sarat arti, tapi mungkin, dia sudah terlalu lelah dan juga bosan untuk mencari.

2010-06-28T23:15:00.003+07:00

I don't usually prefer the conveyor belt in a sushi joint, but that night I - we - were so damn hungry we took the spot instead of waiting another long hour of queue.
Well the name of the place must've registered in your mind, by now.

Anyway.
There we were, grinning at the conveyor belt, chopsticks at hand, eyes hawking down closely - and before us, parade of sushi and its tomodachi tots, pre-rolled, nerved and possibly sweating under the orange heating lamp, waiting to get stoked.
My companion was upfront, "Damn I can't choose. This is why I avoid sushi bar!"
I was pretending not to notice the remark since my eyes required full attention from my brain. Have to agree though - choosing is never easy.
Especially when the choice are endless.
To make it more complicated, most of the choices are practically the same.

Yes, take the glittery enhancement out and the rolls are basically the same - fish tucked into sheets of rice, rolled and then cut.
And what makes one different from the others?
"Nothing. Really, even if you inspect them up close and personal, you can't tell."
There my companion stated, as a realist.
For some, it's quite hard to tell chuka idako from chuka chinmi - both chewy goodness in all sense.
Now how do you pick one from three identical plate of salmon sushi?
Same precise cut that prolly comes from the very same fish.

"You don't sweat it. You just take one on the left. Or all three. Your pick."
My simple, pragmatic friend just enlightened me, again, with his wisdom.
True that.
Why sweat taking one of three?
And if you're that greedy - I meant hungry - why even bother taking just one? Take all three, problem solved.
And there goes me being overanalytic - "Why the one on the left and not the others?"
He pursed his lips, then slurred over "I don't know. I always take the one on the left and none others."
So all the while my tummy filled with mountain of sushi, my mind went wrestling - is that how we make a choice? Out of habit?
What about the one on the right? Does it make them not right?
Or can it be, if we listen closely, they sing a different tune, with different rhyme?
And each screaming for us to pick one of them and not the others.
Plea even, if they have been on parade for quite some time.
The orange heating lamp could sometimes be painful, showing some streaks of time - and other worn down elements, mind you...

Out of the sushi joint, with tummy bloated and satisfied, the question lingered.
Replace the word sushi with love and the pangs that used to hit your tummy moved upper left, to the heart.
To avoid the ache, you might want to stay clear of conveyor belt in sushi joint.
But if you don't - well I suppose that won't pose any problem to you anyway - take all three and have yourself a party.

2010-05-12T22:35:00.006+07:00

Missing piece.

Night flown in seamlessly, as I watched the universe transcending from chef du jour of sunset into pitch dark.
Ever so smoothly, languorously, as I trotted along the concrete pavement.
That night I decided to walk home.

Years back then, I have meditated by literally walking home. I haven’t done it again for quite sometimes since it’s been succeeded by cool Nestea plunge.
As I walked out of the building, I thought, hey, why not now?
The dark curtain had just been pulled down, inviting me to explore her more, inquisitively whispering even as if asking me to step into the boudoir.
Thamrin and Sudirman scene couldn’t be more congested and bustling, but I found myself jammed in a blasé situation, which were pleasant.
The muted emotions were there, hung around the speckles of bright shining stars.
As if they were waiting to be picked and pondered upon.
Well after few miles, I did.
I sat down at one rombong rokok to cool myself with the ever sought after Teh Botol =p

Life has been one state play lately.
I ran, squatted, ducked, jumped, ran again I haven’t had much time to think about anything else.
My parents had complained, of course, and since I firmly believe in family bond – yes, with the exception of family bonds, every little thing in the world are subject to substitute – I managed to spend time with them on weekends.
Dating life wasn’t exactly florist shop situation – as I’ve mentioned in the earlier post – but wasn’t high and dry either since I kept few handy, uhm, handkerchiefs – mind you – to wipe the tedium off.
My writing project has been constantly put on stationary bike for quite some time. I made a mental note to revisit it shortly.
And I still managed to stay in touch with my closest friends – randomly, to keep it exciting and yes, grounding me at the same time.

And then I thought about him.
For awhile ago he had been the last thought in mind before lucid dream upstages.
It was the kind of short and sweet fling and I didn’t put too much time thinking about it and ways if it could be improved – since both he and I are realist, let’s put it this way : it will never work because none of us wants to.

But.
Maybe it was the sickly sweet Teh Botol.
Maybe it was romance that were brought by the quiet night of quiet stars.
Maybe it was my guilty pleasure.
Maybe the meditation worked after all.
At that moment, I opened the locked up chest involuntarily and found him again.

And then I couldn’t help it. For a moment I let myself loose.
I let him fill in my head - and yes, heart - for just few moments and it felt… good.
I missed him, and the petty small stuffs that we’ve had for quite some time.

All the unfinished conversations, the unanswered questions, the drafted email, the unsent text messages… the deleted person just sprung back and I just missed him so much.
Like the desert miss the rain.
As it was a hot, humid evening indeed.
And I used to announce my missing piece only when it’s raining, to him.

Hell, how could you miss someone whose face you can’t remember?

As I lighted my cigarette, I looked up, inspecting the achingly clear sky.
I picked a spot and wished he’s doing well.
I wondered if he ever think of me.
Or if we ever picked the same star.

Then an inevitable thought seeped in. It’s that thought that we’d find each other again one day. In whatever pool we’re supposed to get in.
The rombong rokok owner greeted me, liberating me from my thoughts of him.
That was my cue.

I squashed down the unfinished smoke, put down the empty Teh Botol and paid.
I threw him thank you as I hailed a cab.
I could recall sleeping in that cab soundly and being woken up by the driver just when I arrived home.
Just before I stepped into the house, I thank The Guy Upstairs for all the wonderful things He has drenched me in.

Only then I realized just how precious life is.

2010-05-04T00:37:00.003+07:00

My extracurricular activity has been quite sedentary for the past few weeks.
Not that I went soppy for the thought of it, on the contrary, this momentum had given me a slot to stop and think for what had been happening before the good pause.

I had so much fun for the first quarter of the year to date.
Few guesses have managed to sort themselves out and gave me one big line of thought : Am I that complicated?

Just to give you the background, one of my old flame lighted his way back to my path months ago.
It was a blast. The combination of me and him put together had always been a blast.
A very complex blast of ego and lust, if I may be honest.
All the wrong reasons to cultivate an interest towards a prospective love, don't you think?

Now before you say anything.
Aside from that old flame, there were few interests as well that I found quite interesting.
*okay carnal desires don't count so I'd like to scratch few names here, there and there...*
Good guys, with decent jobs, decent manners, nice to have conversation with... nothing was wrong with them, seriously.

I couldn’t find anything wrong or anything not to like within these guys and that put them in the wrong side of box.
Why were they so nice and simple and boring?

And I kept twisting my joints on how not to jeopardize the courting, and even new ways of wanking, just to keep my mind occupied.
Any chance to avoid my mind slipping down the track and left the rest of me blank and jones.
To them I said, “Nothing is like finding common ground to walk on. Everyone can be a good match if they allow one another to fill them completely.”
And they weren’t even standing close to the cup.
And then I would say, “I think it’s very common when people say that everyone should lower the standard if they want to be with anyone. I completely disagree. It should be lowering your ego. Ego stands between people like a thick walls lined with quality acoustic.”
And they would nod.
Either they were too busy watching my cleavage or they were fantasizing about banging me in so many ways.

Truth is, I had never been fair to anyone when it comes to personal relationship.
I'd never let anyone come close, I might try to lure them though, but any inch closer I'd go shrieking and running away.
I lowered my ego at every opportunity arise and gave them all a chance or two, but when I was about to believe that there must be something good going, that was when they start to make their biggest mistake.
They started to push things out, the way they want - or perceived as it should be - they laid out the figures before my eyes I never even had to figure what they expect of me.
And whenever that happens, my ego was squashed to the ground, mercilessly.
And then I had to make a choice.
I chose not to choose.

To put it bluntly, I am that vainglorious, capitalist bitch who loves a display shelf full of toys.
Yes, he who dies with the most toys win!
But the underlying thought is, I never had the heart to hurt anyone.
I didn't want anyone to come closer because I might hurt them.

Usually this is the time when someone steps up, gives me a hug and telling me that things will be okay.
And there should be balance in every situation, like yin and yang. The situation where us and the prospective love should fill in each other.
But do you mind, if I tell you that what I really want is exciting banters and formulations, clashing egos with no rooms to spare and emotional roller coaster that runs them, over and over again.
And when we're both get tired, I can rest my stubborn skull on his ribs. And he rests his on my crib.
Minds mangled, arms tangled yet the hearts are intertwined.
I might never obtain the exact situation that I sought after, but let's put down the perimeter fence now.
Sure, that might not be your perfect ideal of how a healthy relationship supposed to run, but you're not running the show, aren't you?
So you see, I am not complicated at all.

Now please, say whatever you want to say.

2010-03-21T14:49:00.000+07:00

Asap perlahan mulai menggeliat dari batang rokok yang baru saja kuhisap.
Api yang terbetik di ujung - ujung rokok itu seperti berlarian, menghindar panas yang membakar satu sama lain.

Pelan kukepul asap rokok, lembut dan berirama, seperti meniupkan rayuan pada kekasih.
Asap menerawang mata, membutakan pikiran sementara.

Kekasih.
Aku merindumu.
Ah. Tidak. Kutambahkan sedikit parameternya.
Mungkin bukan kamu, tapi imaji tentang dirimu.
Karena terlalu sering kau bergelayutan dalam pikiranku.

"Jadi aku hanya imaji untukmu?"
Pernah kau bertanya begitu.
Sebagai jawabnya aku hanya menggeliat di pelukmu, manja.
Menyentuhkan ujung jemariku pada pipimu.
Kau menarik tanganku, mengecup punggung tanganku sebelum meremasnya penuh nafsu.
Lalu aku balik meremas, tanganmu, lenganmu, lehermu, seakan kau hanyalah segelendong kenikmatan yang siap untuk diburai helai demi helai.
Napasmu mulai menderu, satu - satu, bersama nafsumu yang berlari memburu.

Biasanya setelah itu kita akan menyalakan rokok sebagai pelengkap kepuasan.
Kau menatapku balik, tak berkedip, padahal bayangmu ada dalam mataku.
Hanya beberapa detik sebelum kau memintaku menindih kembali tubuh telanjangmu.
Aku selalu menolak, nanti kau tak bisa napas!
Kau hanya tertawa, menarik tubuhku merapat, menghimpit kepalaku ke arah lehermu.

"Mungkin kau bukan imaji. Tapi ilusi."
Begitu aku bilang padamu, curi - curi hirup aroma kulitmu yang masih hangat dan basah oleh keringat.

Lalu kau hanya mengecup kepalaku sebelum akhirnya jatuh pulas.
Detak jantungku bertumbukan, berantakan, mencari detak jantungmu.
Napasku tak beraturan, dadaku sesak, berlari - lari, berlomba, mana yang paling kuat menahan rasa untukmu.

Dan aku telah jatuh cinta.
Dan aku belum siap untuk berlari pergi.
Dan bukan karena rasa sepi.
Karena setiap aku berhasil menghentikan lajumu yang serabutan itu,
ada yang mengingatkanku tentang alur cerita yang tetap belum teraut pasti.

Mungkin kau hanya imaji, mungkin juga hanya ilusi.
Hanya saja ilusi tergambar indah, melebihi mimpi.
Jauh di sebuah ruang yang dibiarkan kosong, aku masih saja berpikir kita akan kembali.
Dalam asap rokok yang terkepul, kutebarkan harap, agar suatu hari, kita tetap akan saling mencari.

2010-03-14T23:49:00.014+07:00

"You know, you should fix me up with one of your friend."
Her words teased him, while her fingers playing with his hair.
10 years ago it wasn't this much of salt and pepper, a thought flickered.

He smiled with his eyes closed.
His fingers traced along her body.
He too, shared similar unspoken thought only his was about her body.
She's got lovely breasts, his smile deepened as his thumb encircled her anticipating nipples.

She drew a deep breath.
He never ceased to lose magic.
He turned to look at her stark nakedness.
Eyes feasting on her bucking back and forth, one hand kneading her breasts and the other switching her on, down below.
He leaned towards her, heaved his weight on her, his mouth reached for her.

"You still taste the same."
She confessed in between their intense kisses.
"I'm still the same old guy, sweetie."
He hissed, exploring her mouth once again.

She made a cut to the scene.
"Fix me up?"
He replied breathlessly.
"With my instrument, yes."

She laughed, immersing in the feel of having him deep inside once again.
She moaned, knowing that it wouldn't take long.
She sighed, crescendoing into the thin air and he joined her lovingly.

He was still catching his breath when she asked,
"Hey, fix me up with one of your friend, okay?"
He smoothed her hair down, wiping perspiration off her forehead.
"Why, baby?"

She slurred as she propped her head tenderly on his chest.
"Because... I never dated a consultant."
He choked, his whole body froze before he find a way to say,
"Yes you did," he paused, taking a deep breath and then went on whispering, very close to her ears, "You're dating one now..."

The Frozen Prince.

2010-02-28T22:03:00.011+07:00

Perempuan itu menatap nanar cangkir kopinya.
Ini setengah kosong, atau setengah penuh?
Ia berkontemplasi, mencoba mengisi ulang pikirannya pelan - pelan.
Dijauhkannya cangkir kopi itu dari hadapannya.
Hanya beberapa teguk lagi saja, lalu tinggal ampas.
Hanya beberapa teguk lagi saja, tapi aroma kopi masih kuat merangsak di indera penciumannya.

Dia melirik telepon genggamnya di ujung meja.
5.30.
Tapi tak tampak sebersitpun oranye kemerahan yang disukainya di angkasa.
Semesta seperti sedang kecewa, seharian ini melimpahkan hujan bagai melimpahkan kemarahannya.
Angkasa menyiratnya dan menyiarkan kelabu ke segala penjuru.
Lakon tetesan hujan berkejaran sudah sejak tadi dimainkan melalui jendela bening yang ada.
Berkejaran dengan cepat, lalu saling bergumul, hingga terpecah tak tentu arah jika angin ikut ambil peran.
Perempuan itu menonton dalam diam.

Cuaca seperti ini seperti perangkap untuknya.
Membatasi ruang gerak pikirannya agar tidak kemana - mana.
Dan sejauh ia melempar sauh, tetap ke satu arah dia mengayuh.
Dikatupnya kelopak matanya erat, agar benaknya tetap di tempatnya.
Semakin dia berusaha menguncinya dengan rapat, semakin angin bertiup kencang dan meluluh lantak.
Gemuruh langit seperti beresonansi dalam hatinya.
Yang rindu, tapi juga pilu dan hampir beku.
Sayangnya hati cuma satu, pikirnya getir.

Denging mesin espresso menarik paksa perempuan itu dari atmosfir maya.
Dikerjapkannya matanya, ditatapnya jendela.
Masih saja hujan, dan dia masih tertahan di tempat itu.
Tapi perempuan itu justru mengulas senyum.
Yang dirasanya sekarang hanya rindu, tanpa setitikpun sendu.
Karena cuma satu yang ditunggu, untuk kembali bertemu.

Digenggamnya kembali cangkir kopinya.
Masih ada hangat disitu, mungkin kalau digenggam terus, sisa kopi yang ada di dalam masih pantas untuk disesap.
Mungkin cukup enak untuk membuatnya berpikir untuk menuang lagi kopi yang masih panas ke dalam cangkir ini.

Ditariknya telepon genggamnya dari ujung meja.
Jari - jarinya segera sibuk menekan tombol dengan cekatan satu persatu.
"Saya memikirkanmu, dan saya rindu garis - garis di ujung bibirmu saat kamu tersenyum dan tertawa."
Diunggahnya pesan tersebut ke sebuah nomor.
Lalu perempuan itu meletakkan telepon genggamnya dekat dengan sisi mejanya.

Sebentar lagi mungkin hujannya berhenti, sehingga ia bisa keluar dari sana dan cari taksi untuk pulang.
Kalaupun belum berhenti juga, ada payung kan?
Pikirnya jenaka.
Dirapatkannya jemarinya lekat - lekat pada cangkir kopinya.
Ah, hangat...

2010-02-15T13:11:00.002+07:00

How many times do we have to do the same mistakes until we realize that it's truly a mistake and nothing good can ever be gained from it?

Having always been a campaign advocate for "Embrace every second in life", I've always believed that whatever you did, it's always better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.
Yet given 5 minutes, I can recall every little regrets I've unintentionally made in my life.
The intentional ones are intentional per se, hence no need to roll their honors.

Yes we are all human beings with the gift of intelligence God had intended us to have.
Along with that, God also put us to a test by giving us His next best gift : choices.
Few of us peruse these two gifts impeccably.
Many of us thrive in making as many mistakes as they can - and learn from them eventually.
Most of us just couldn't care less - and keep on making mistakes perpetually.

I couldn't recall if I have any problems in my relationship with intelligence, but with choices, well the story is quite different.
I had always put my feet to the ground of choice very carefully, but since I am a gifted worrywart, I had always rehearsed every possible scenarios in my little grey cells for a choice, namely : Blue pill or Red pill.
As the result, I might have made my way out with flying colors in all departments, yet I still got an F in love and relationship - not fucking, mind you.

Aside from the F mark in that department - that and series of bad luck- all contributed to the fact that my personal experience of 29 years taught me nothing in this area.
If I look back, I wonder, how many relationships I have made in the past were substantial? I agree that some were great, but some were by names only.
Now this has leave me wondering, did I ever fall in love, in my entire life?
I have been always confused in the love/lust issue - from what I know - lust is quite complex and love is even more complicated.
I openly envy those who found the love of their life, especially to the ones who say, "Love is simple. You just know when you know."
One question left, how do you know?

When I was 21, I fell for this amazing man, with whom I had the most amazing first date ever.
We had that kind of chemistry in which we could figure out what's going on each other's mind and finish each other's sentences.
We could talk for hours and never got sored.
But it was way too big than I expected, so yes I bailed out and disappeared from him, chose a safer bet, and later on, with regret.
I finally had the courage to face him 5 years later by the way - which of course - was already too late.

In my spare time, I could still play the "what-ifs" scenario in my mind.
With that big question lingered at the base of everything, "Was it love?"
Come to think of it, that might be the cause of me keep bumping into the same type of men, into this very day.
My curiosity has yet to be quenched.
Good to know that I never changed, but in my right mind, I believe that I should never take any risks with this type.
After all, it's always much safer to just play status quo.
But I keep asking myself, "Is it worthy to get hurt?"
Will I learn to trust myself?
Will I recover once the bleeding stops?
Will I regret it more than I should?
Will I finally, finally, find freedom - which will lead to - truly meeting the one?
Will middle earth turns to rock? Ha!

The choices are neverending and the scenarios are endless.
In the process of finding the answers, I overcomplicate things.

While reading this, you might catch the similarity of a story recently told to you, and then find yourself saying, "I think she's thinking too much."

Well lucky that I don't think too much on where to have dinner in.
It's the option of whom to have dinner with that makes me cringe.

2009-12-21T10:04:00.004+07:00

Around this time a year ago, a fortune teller foresee my luck for 2009.
While that part was quite interesting, what she said after was more intriguing.
I can still recall it in verbatim,
"You shall not be in any relationship before you straighten your own issues."
I snapped in reply, "Issues? What issues?"
She stared back while saying this throughly,
"Your own issues, with yourself. You're just not ready to be in a relationship until you resolve each and every one of them."

By any means, I was shot by some measure of insult *What issues? I don't have any issues!*
To smooth the tension out, she was also saying, "You'll get to meet few snips. Most of them aren't even your style, but you just love to grab a handful, don't you?"

And yes I did.
While the year started out dry, the remaining days were fantastic, as the season suggested.
I can only say, I got lucky ;)
Whatever the fortune teller told me, went evaporated into the air.

Then the party went lukewarm.
I was so tired of romping in a hotel room with sexy strangers and that was when the you-shalt-not-be-in-a-relationship found itself back on my dreams.
When was the last time I get to know someone?
When was the last time I know their last name?
When was the last time I go out of my shell?
When was the last time I really mean whatever's out of my mouth aside from anger?
When was the last time I genuinely feel anything about something?

Then the party's over.
And then I realized that relationship has a deeper meaning than anything by name.
That it's not just about me.
But other people as well.
There must be something missing if I hadn't known that I have to learn to live with other people.

I then admitted, I have issues.
And each and every single of them are deeply rooted in me.

I am a stranger to myself.
It was probably my vanity.
Could be my insecurity.
Or was it something else?
And while I'm still sorting out the tangled web, I realized that I had been with my mind (and urges) far too many times, but I had forgotten that my heart had something to do with life as well.
I have been far too proud, I thought I never needed the heart.
Could it be that I was far too scared of getting hurt, I kept my heart in a locker and tossed the key away?
When that thought lingered on my mind, I just realized that I might have scared or hurt other hearts.
I had always known exactly what I want hence forcing myself too hard on obtaining them.
Obtaining had frequently became obsession, ones which get me formulating ways to have them.

And that is why, I have to learn to let go.
For all my wrongdoings, for playing out of scripts, for not knowing where the exit door is, for not realizing what's happening, for not knowing what to do, for being scared of something else.
If I'm willing to learn to forgive myself, I might finally find true bliss.
The bliss should be beyond mind-blowing sex with the hottest guy in town.
But that would be a long story to tell, wouldn't it?

And for the while I'm learning new things, I'm up for some celebration here.
My birthday is just around the corner.

29.
I like it so far ;)

2009-12-14T12:44:00.003+07:00

Dalam diam.

"Aku rindu merindukanmu."
Si perempuan tak berani menatap laki - laki di hadapannya.
Jarinya menjentik batang rokok yang mengepul lembut.
Asap rokok yang pelan namun pasti menusuk matanya.
Dikejapkannya matanya, lalu dimatikannya batang rokok yang masih setengah itu dengan cepat.

"Kapan kamu mau berhenti?"
Suara bariton si laki - laki.
Yang matanya sejak tadi menatap si perempuan dalam - dalam.
Tak mau kehilangan sedetikpun tanpa ada si perempuan dalam pupil matanya.

"Berhenti memikirkanmu?"
Tanya si perempuan, tanpa sempat diolah dalam otaknya.
Terkaget oleh pernyataannya, matanya terperanjat, yang langsung ditangkap oleh si laki - laki dengan cepat.

Laki - laki itu tertawa.
"Bukan. Merokok. Nggak bagus buat paru - parumu."
Katanya lembut, dengan nada sedikit bergayut.

Muka si perempuan merah padam.
Direkamnya kata - kata tadi dalam hatinya.
Muka itu tetap berusaha tersenyum.
Tangannya memainkan lighter, memutar - mutar dan mengocok pelan benda tersebut.

Laki - laki itu diam saja, matanya masih memperhatikan perempuan di depannya.
Menyimpan setiap frame gambar itu dalam ingatannya.
"Yang kamu rindukan itu hanya imaji, atau ilusi. Tapi tidak nyata."

Si perempuan kini tersenyum kecut.
"Kau benar. Kalau kau nyata, kau sudah menggenggam tanganku sekarang."
Matanya menekuni jarak antara tangan mereka. Hanya beberapa senti saja di atas meja, tapi tak ada usaha sama sekali mereka untuk saling menyentuh, ataupun menggenggam.

Si lelaki diam saja.
Memejamkan matanya.
Lalu, "Tidak. Aku tak mau. Dan kau tau itu."

Si perempuan menghela napas.
Lalu diam.

Mereka berdua hanya terdiam.
Saat sunyi datang, bukan berarti semesta sepi.
Justru sunyi datang mengisi, saat kata - kata tak lagi memiliki arti.
Mereka berdua terdiam.
Bukan berarti mereka saling benci.
Kadang berdiam diri bisa saja berarti tak mau menyakiti.

Suara telepon genggam merangsak masuk, mengusir sunyi jauh - jauh.
Si perempuan membaca pesan yang masuk.
"Aku sudah dijemput. Sampai ketemu lagi."
Lalu ia bangkit dan pergi begitu saja.

Si laki - laki mengikutinya dengan ujung matanya.
Sampai si perempuan menghilang dalam kerumunan.

Ia hanya membiarkannya.
Selalu begitu kalau mereka bertemu.
Ia tak pernah punya waktu cukup untuk menyusun ulang ceritanya, karena si perempuan yang selalu terburu - buru.
Ia tak pernah diberi kesempatan untuk mengerti, karena si perempuan hanya sibuk dengan pikirannya sendiri.
Dikeluarkannya lighter dan sekotak rokok dari tasnya.
Saat ia mulai merokok, diputarnya kembali kata - kata si perempuan tadi dalam hatinya.
Diulang - ulangnya dengan bibirnya, tanpa suara.
"Aku rindu merindukanmu."

2009-12-08T19:33:00.002+07:00

Midnight breeze.

He rolled on the bed.
One arm resting on her curvy hips, the other tracing her bare nape.
"That was good."
He whispered very close to her ear, inhaling her musk deeply.

She sighed, then she detached herself, got up and just stood by the bed, naked.
She looked at him.
A gentle curve appeared on his lips as she lingered her gaze at him.

He stared back, his eyes roamed freely on her still glistening skin.
Lovely and inviting, as if anticipating to be touched and kissed the way it deserves.
"Yes."
She replied.
Her hands have already started clutching her undies.

"Are you leaving now?"
He inquired, with a bit weariness in his voice.

She had already put her clothes on.
She smoothed on the pleats on her skirt and then looked at him.
"Yes. I have a meeting at 8 tomorrow and I haven't prepared the deck yet."
She took a seat on the edge of the bed nevertheless, as if waiting for his reply.

He didn't give her the satisfaction.
Yet, "One thing about you. You're putting up too much tense on yourself."
She frowned in disagreement.
He went on.
"I know that you're not into cuddling, especially with just about every guy you slept with, but seriously, I think I can use a little appreciation here."

Her facial lines curved deeper.
"It's not that I don't care. But I'm tired and I just need to get that deck ready tonight."
He laughed.
"I like you a lot. Especially for your determination."

She leaned towards him, putting her weight on her elbows.
His lips were ready to give her a kiss, instead she went somewhere far below the head.
He let out a groan.
He murmured her name.
He sighed, crescendoing from soft whisper to passionate moans.
A final groan before he came back to earth and she was already smoothing out her mussed hair.

He was still breathing irregularly when saying,
"Are you going to see someone else after this?"
He chuckled.

She waved her head.
"No of course not. I told you..."

He broke her off.
"Yea yea... you know what sweetie? You are one serious woman," he paused, then gingerly proceed, "with a broken heart."

She stood immadiately.
"I take it as a compliment after I give you a head."

He stared at her.
"I understand that you're just trying to protect yourself. But you haven't even recovered completely, why don't you just let it off a bit..."
He trailed off as she started to collect her stuff.

"Thanks for concerning me. But I'm gonna be ok so you don't have to worry."
She quickly replied with courtesy.

He smirked.
"Yah. Sure. You got your toys with you."

She smiled at him just before she stepped out of the door.
"That was great. Fuck you very much."

She could hear him laughing very hard as she ran down the stairs.
He must've pissed himself laughing, she thought.
A gentle midnight breeze greeted her as she hailed a cab.

Somehow she could feel the breeze stroking her neck, swiveling her almost, with a deep kiss.
And it seemingly carried a message from someone she longed for.
The message seeped into her skin and resounded in her heart.
She entered the cab, leaving the thought dead on the cold ground.

2009-11-04T14:00:00.003+07:00

Bangku kayu di taman.

"Jadi, kenapa kamu mengundangku ke sini?"
Tanya si perempuan.
Matanya fokus pada pohon akasia di dekat meja mereka.

"Aku ingin bertemu kamu. Apakah alasan itu tidak cukup?"
Jawab si lelaki, yang menatap lurus pada wajah si perempuan yang jelas resah.

"Setelah merentang waktu lama, mendadak kamu mengajak bertemu di bangku kayu di taman kota.
Yang bahkan kita tak pernah ada cerita. Kamu membuang - buang waktuku."
Jawab si perempuan, jengah.
Dia menghitung dedaunan yang perlahan mulai merontok.
Daun - daun yang kuning kecoklatan, melepaskan diri dengan gemulai dari pohon yang sudah renta tersebut.
Mereka memilih untuk menjalani nasibnya sendiri, mengikuti siulan angin yang mengajak mereka berdansa serta.

"Aku membuang waktumu. Juga waktuku."
Kata si lelaki lagi, pandangannya belum goyah.
Entah sudah berapa lama ia tidak melihat perempuan itu.
Entah apa yang bikin dia tidak mau melepaskan pandangannya dari si perempuan.
Seperti daun yang bebal walau sudah dihantam ribuan badai.

Perempuan itu berdiri, menarik tas tangannya dari hadapan.
Bersiap untuk melangkah pergi.
Didorongnya bangkunya ke belakang.
Namun tangan si lelaki juga sigap.
Mencengkeram tangan si perempuan, mendadak dan erat.

Keduanya terdiam.
Mereka biasa melakukan itu di ranjang.
Itu.
Mencengkeram, menggeram, merekam kebahagiaan yang sifatnya sementara.
Seakan masing - masing tahu bahwa porsi waktu yang diberikan hanya sedikit.
Waktu yang menggiring mereka ke garis perbatasan.
Antara nafsu semata dengan jatuh cinta.
Saat salah satu bimbang menentukan pilihan, yang lainnya terlanjur merubah haluan.
Upaya proteksi sekaligus kompensasi, dari rasa yang lama - lama jadi basi.

Si lelaki melepaskan tangannya.
"Aku tidak rela membiarkan kamu pergi."
Katanya.

Mata si perempuan tetap terpaku pada daun - daun kering yang bernyanyi.
Musik yang lirih, pedih, sedih, tapi mengapa mereka menyanyikannya dengan bahagia?
"Mari kita berpisah saja. Dan berjanji untuk tak akan bertemu lagi."
Katanya pelan.

"Tapi aku akan merindukanmu saat kau tak ada dalam pikiranku. Dan aku akan tetap mencarimu walau kau sudah tak mau."
Jawab si lelaki.
Ditariknya nafas yang panjang, lalu ia melanjutkan,
"Bolehkah jika aku minta kau untuk duduk kembali, bersamaku?
Tatap mataku beberapa detik saja.
Mata ini pernah menjelajah tubuh telanjangmu.
Juga sempat tak berkedip saat pertama melihat jendela jiwamu.
Genggam tanganku, sebentar saja.
Tangan ini pernah merengkuhmu, membelai rambutmu.
Beberapa kali menjagamu agar kau tak jatuh saat sedang rapuh."

Si perempuan terdiam.
Seakan berhenti pada sebuah tembok beton yang tinggi dan tak berujung.
Cinta selalu berbatasan.
Dengan nafsu, dengan kepentingan, dengan harapan, dengan kesombongan.
Dan saat ini, dengan kenangan.
"Aku tidak mau. Ini tidak akan ada ujungnya."

Buru - buru disentaknya kakinya agar cepat melangkah pergi.
Meninggalkan si lelaki sendiri, supaya tetap utuh harga diri.

Lima langkah mereka berjarak, si perempuan berhenti.
Berbalik.
Lelaki itu sudah tidak ada disana.

Dedaunan kering yang sejak tadi menyanyi dan menari di dekat mereka menggerumutinya.
Perempuan itu tersenyum.
Dipungutnya satu daun yang masih agak kehijauan, diremasnya dan lalu diciumnya aroma waktu yang tersisa.
"Sampai saatnya nanti, aku akan menemukanmu kembali."

2009-11-03T17:35:00.009+07:00

10.00

Dia memejamkan matanya.
Berusaha untuk lenyap dalam alam tidur yang sudah dirancangnya sedemikian rupa.
Tubuh dan pikirannya sudah cukup lelah seharian itu.
Tapi kenapa susah sekali untuk jatuh terlelap dan terbebas?
Dia merutuk dalam hati, dan kelopak matanya kembali terbuka.

Gelap gulita.
Dia memang tidak pernah menyalakan penerangan apapun kalau sudah di tempat tidur.
Sunyi, senyap.
Dia menggeliat, berusaha mencapai telepon genggamnya.
Setengah jalan, diurungkannya niatnya.
Kembali dia berbaring horizontal. Rata.
Diam - diam dia berharap ada seseorang di sampingnya.
Mungkin jika ada orang itu, bisa direngkuhnya, bisa diciuminya, bisa diusapnya hingga ia jatuh tertidur.
Mungkin ini hanya kesepian, akunya dalam hati.

Ini memang kesepian.
Hatinya menjawab, datar.
Dia menghela napas.
Sekarang dia benar - benar berharap ada orang di sampingnya.
Kamar ini gelap sekali, dingin, sunyi.
Pendingin ruangan menembus kulit dan daging, menusuk tulang, semakin mengusir kantuk jauh darinya.
Aroma kebekuan menghambur di pernapasannya.
Setiap dia menghirup satu kubik udara, seakan bisa mendengar suara orang tertawa.
Menertawakan kebodohannya.

Ini satir, atau getir?
Dia tersenyum, mencoba bercanda dengan dirinya sendiri.
Dipandanginya dinding dan langit - langit kamarnya.
Walaupun gulita ia bisa jelas melihat sekat - sekatnya.
Semakin lama sekat - sekat itu semakin mendekat.
Ia merasa terhimpit seketika.
Di antara kesunyian yang kian membelenggunya.
Menarik kakinya agar semakin jauh dari berlabuh.
Mengunci tangannya agar berhenti menggapai.
Hatinya menjerit - jerit ingin bebas, tapi terkatup rapat dengan engsel yang sudah berkarat.

Dia menahan napas.
Dia sadar dia begitu sendirian, tapi tetap saja dia butuh pengakuan.
Diliriknya telepon genggamnya, seperti melirik anjing rabies.
Tangannya menggapai benda tersebut seakan menggapai tongkat estafet dari kejauhan.
Jari - jarinya memencet keypad dengan sangat cepat, tanpa berpikir dan tanpa merasa.
Kamu masih ada? Aku sendirian, sangat kesepian :(
Tanpa berpikir dan tanpa merasa, diimbuhnya satu persatu nama penerima.

Diceknya lagi sebelum dikirimkan.
Tepat sebelum dipencetnya tombol kirim, hatinya seakan tercekat.
Mendadak ia merasa kasihan pada dirinya sendiri.
Tiba - tiba saja ia ingin menangis.
Rasa kesepian dan sendirian yang sudah ditahannya mengaliri pembuluh darah di tubuhnya.
Bermuara di jantungnya yang berdegup semakin kencang, lalu perlahan meluap menggenangi jiwanya.
Direguknya dalam - dalam, dinikmatinya dengan mata terpejam kuat.
Sayang, peluk aku erat.
Bisiknya dalam hati, dicengkeramnya kedua lengannya sendiri.

Ia meringkuk, mencoba mencari kehangatan.
Tapi tak ada apa - apa disana karena ia sudah begitu angkuh.
Diulangnya dalam pikirannya berkali - kali.
Besok, saat matahari datang, semua akan kembali normal.
Semua akan baik - baik saja.
Tepat saat rasa sepi menggelayuti pelupuk matanya, ia jatuh tertidur.
Lelap, pulas, tanpa mimpi.
Padahal berharap ia setengah mati.
Satu hari akan berjumpa lagi dengan si satu hati.
Walau hanya maya semata.

2009-10-27T16:02:00.004+07:00

J

"So. How long has it been since the last time we met?"
She smiled at his remark.

"I don't really count."
She replied, her eyes meandering all over the place.

She lied.
She remembered exactly how long has it been without calling out his name.
After 2 years there they were in one table, sitting across each other.
She used stare at him staring at her.

"I remember that this is the place where we first met. You were coy yet very blunt, wide eyed..."
He stared at her reflection on the mirror. He lingered on a thought, then,
"You were so much skinnier back then!"
He burst into laughter and she followed.

It's his laughter that she missed the most.
His muted, yet contagious laughter that helped her endure her days back then.
He put a plug on his laughter and took a deep breath.

"Okay, what is it that brings you to call me?"
He pointed out directly.

"I miss you."
She replied, even more direct.

He lighted his cigarette.
"I don't buy that. You don't just miss someone and make a phone call after 2 years."
With a smoke blown,
"Especially you. I know you."

She frowned.
The first time that line came out of his mouth she blushed and grinning sheepishly.
Now it's just any of those lines, she thought.
She managed to compose a reply though,
"I'm sorry. I just thought I need to see you now."
Lame one.

He leaned closer, his big round eyes delicately lingered on her stare.
"What about?"

She inhaled.
"While we were together, did I do anything to confuse you? You know, things that make you upset?"

He froze, blinked his lids.
"No. From what I remembered, you dismissed things saying that I was the one muddling things up. Right?"

She went on,
"Yes but things just fizzled then. I got confused so many times I think I create all those confusion myself."

He laughed.
She just loved the way he laughed. Loved it so much.
He went,
"You know, you're not confused. Maybe, things just gotten in the way you don't want them to be and you got upset. And then you call it being confused."
He finished his smoke, and his sentence,
"Things just happen. You just have to sweeten the deal," he paused for a breath, "Sweetie..."

She forced a smile.
"Maybe I just have to learn to accept things," she paused for a breath, "And to let go."

He nodded, smiled, got up and went to the counter.
"Your mocha decaf is served."
Placing a cup on the table, close to her hands.

She watched him, every movement he made.
He sorta reminded her of the guy he fell in love with 7 years back.
It was quite a long time ago.
They were different back then.
As the guy matured, she evolved as well.
Love then became a strong and overbearing term, and it decomposed.
They grew apart, although reminiscence would always appeal in any page.

A thought crossed her mind.
The thought that they might've end up together if only they were more patient, passionate, committed...
But they weren't.
She regretted the thought alone with a gulp of her mocha.

As he crossed his legs towards her, she could feel him staring hard at her.
She got up and toted her bag.
Let's not mess up what time had healed.
"I don't drink mocha decaf anymore. Thanks so much for meeting me here."

2009-10-16T14:50:00.005+07:00

Bubungan awan bergumul, membentuk barisan.
Cantik dipandang, walau sedikit berantakan.

Si perempuan coba - coba menghitung banyaknya.
Apakah jumlahnya cukup untuk sampai ke sana?

Untuk menghampiri satu hati.
Yang dirindunya setengah mati.

Berharap akan ada ampas yang tersisa.
Sedikitnya hanya agar ia tak lupa suaranya.

Renyah. Resah. Gundah.
Perlahan disekanya pipinya yang basah.

Di sebuah sore yang indah.

2009-10-13T15:57:00.004+07:00

"Dulu gue jatuh cinta sama suami gue disini..."
Dan matanya menerawang pada satu titik di sebuah masa.
Bibirnya terangkat, menggambarkan sesuatu yang indah.
Kenangan, pastinya.

"Pertama kali kita berciuman disini..."
Imbuhnya lagi, kali ini senyumnya menyeruak, mengontaminasi orang di sekitarnya dengan kecantikannya.

"Waktu itu jam 1 pagi dan mulai turun hujan," Dia mulai melantun, "Dia merapatkan tubuhnya dan menggenggam tangan gue."
Arah matanya bergerak - gerak, sinarnya sebentar meredup sebentar mengilat.
Perempuan yang sedang (dan masih) jatuh cinta itu semakin memancar cita.
Cantik.

"Ah indahnya. Suatu saat nanti gue pasti punya kisah cinta seindah itu."
Sambil berharap, aku melanjutkan.
"Rindu merasakan indahnya kegilaan cinta."

Dia menatap mataku tajam.
"Kegilaan cinta nggak selalu indah. Demikian pula sebaliknya."
Dia mengangkat gelasnya, bersiap untuk menyesap minuman yang ada di dalamnya.
Hanya sepersekian detik, lalu dia berhenti.
"Lagian sepertinya, elo lagi merasakan kegilaan cinta itu deh, darling. Enjoy it."
Diteguknya minumannya hingga gelas tersebut kosong.
I am?
I am...

Hm. Tiba - tiba ingat lagi pada sesuatu.
Half full, half empty. It was full once upon a time, now it's empty.

Hingga satu hari nanti.

2009-10-08T01:03:00.006+07:00

Musim Hujan

Warna biru agak kelabu perlahan memberi jalan pada kuning emas, kilaunya membias di bulir – bulir air yang tak mau pergi dari kaca jendela.
Entah kenapa.
Bulir - bulir itu saling bergayut, saling bertaut, tapi bagai punya kaki yang menjejak di kaca.
Lekat tak bergerak.

“Mikirin apa?”

Si perempuan menoleh.
Berhenti sejenak dari kenikmatannya menonton buliran air.
Lelaki di sebelahnya, yang masih berkeringat dari permainan cinta tadi, bertanya.
Perempuan itu hanya menggeleng, bibirnya tersenyum.
Lelaki itu merapatkan tubuhnya, menggesekkan kulitnya yang masih lembab ke punggung si perempuan, meringkuk lalu berdiam diri.

"Nyaman sekali bersama kamu."

Si perempuan tersenyum saja.
Lelaki itu mendekatkan mukanya ke tengkuk si perempuan, menghirup aromanya, seakan menghangatkan hidungnya.
Perempuan itu mengatupkan kelopak matanya, untuk mengingat setiap detik dari sensasi itu.
Lelaki itu menggeser bibirnya ke tengkuk si perempuan, tangannya merengkuh tubuh si perempuan erat.

Perempuan itu hanya diam.
Menikmatinya selagi bisa.
Lelaki ini bukan miliknya.
Tak akan pernah jadi kepunyaannya.
Getir ia melafal barisan kata - kata itu dalam benaknya.

Matanya nanar menatap buliran air yang saling bergelayut di kaca jendela, seperti lengan lelaki itu yang menggelayuti lengannya.
Suatu saat yang tidak akan lama lagi, buliran air ini menyerah dan melepaskan pegangannya.
Suatu saat buliran air tersebut akan jatuh, karena tak sanggup menahan beban yang ada.
Saling bergelayut bukanlah suatu paksaan, melainkan opsi.
Jatuh, adalah hal yang lain lagi.
Bukan opsi, tapi kondisi.

Buru - buru dilonggarkannya simpulan jari - jari si lelaki pada jemarinya sendiri.
Mungkin jika tidak terlalu ketat, mungkin jika sedikit berjarak... mungkin akan lebih panjang sedikit waktunya.
Jari - jari si lelaki menolak, malah makin menyimpul erat.
Dari belakang kepalanya terdengar suara mendengkur halus.
Sialan, ia tertidur, dongkolnya dalam hati.

Perlahan perempuan itu menggeser tubuhnya menjauh.
Lalu ia bangkit dari ranjang, masih pelan - pelan.
Mengambil sekotak rokok lengkap dengan lighternya dan berjalan menuju beranda.

Ia mengintip dari kaca jendela.
Cuaca luar tampak agak samar, terselubung buliran air hujan yang saling bergumul.
Hati - hati dibukanya pintu kaca itu.
Buliran air sontak bubar seperti kawanan kelinci yang dikejutkan rubah.
Beberapa saling menggapai, ingin tetap melekat dengan sesamanya.
Beberapa berlari - lari sendiri, mungkin sudah lelah dengan kawanannya.

Satu buliran air meluncur lembut di pipinya.
Sudah dari tadi ditahannya.
Terasa hangat, agak sedikit miris, tapi sedikit lega juga.
Perempuan itu terus melangkah ke beranda, tak sekalipun menoleh meskipun sayup suara lelaki itu memanggilnya.

Langit biru agak kelabu menunggunya di luar, mengedipkan mata dengan mesra, seperti sudah mengharapkannya.

2009-10-07T23:53:00.007+07:00

Wish I could recite Neruda in glassy rain, with you.
Hey. Wait.
You don't read Neruda and I've actually forgotten what you look like.

So why bother reciting?

But if I could, I would.

2009-09-29T10:59:00.001+07:00

Dua Jam

"Gimana? Kamu mau pesan apa?"
Lelaki itu bertanya.
Separuh mukanya tertutup oleh buku menu yang besar dan penuh sesak oleh tulisan dalam Bahasa Prancis.

Perempuan itu hanya menggumam tak jelas.
Masih membenamkan mukanya dalam runutan menu yang perlahan mengabur dari matanya.
Semua jenis makanan dalam menu tersebut dihargai sangat mahal.
Satu makanan saja cukup untuk membeli satu pasang Jack Purcell.
Sedetik dia merutuk, kenapa dia harus mengiyakan ajakan itu? Kenapa?
Habis saya tidak bisa bilang tidak, hatinya menjawab lirih.
Ya, kemampuanmu untuk tidak mampu bilang tidak yang menjerumuskanmu dalam masalah ini, bentak alam pikirannya.
Bukan masalah kok! Oh barusan egonya ikut menimpal. Nggak ada ruginya juga kan? Egonya tertawa - tawa puas, hingga hati dan pikirannya undur diri sejenak.

"Kamu masih memilih? Atau mau saya pesankan buat kamu?"
Si lelaki mulai kurang sabar.
Pengaruh lapar mungkin?

Si perempuan mengangkat kepalanya.
"Hmm... gimana kalau kamu pesankan buat saya?"
Jawabnya, membelokkan arah matanya agak manja.
Agak manja? Kok bisa? Bukannya tadi dia tidak merasa nyaman dengan si lelaki?
Oh ya bisa tentunya, hal semacam itu cukup dikuasainya.
Dia sudah berjanji untuk mencoba membuka dirinya, coba, agar udara pengap di dalam hatinya bisa keluar dan diganti dengan yang baru.
Lagipula, kalau lama - lama, semua bisa nyaman kok, ucapnya dalam hati, meniru ucapan tante - tantenya.

Si perempuan mengigit lidahnya.
Indera pendengarnya jadi lebih sensitif.
Segala bebunyian yang ada di sekitarnya seperti lantang bersuara.
Semestinya semua senyap, namun sunyi yang menjerit - jerit ini bahkan menepis senandung Ella Fitzgerald yang keluar dari CD.
Mana obrolan berjam - jam yang ditunggu?
Mana tatapan penuh gairah yang dinantikan?
Mana dia rasa nyaman yang diharapkan?
Mana? Manaaaaaaaa?
Jantungnya berdegup tak beraturan.

Si lelaki tetep terlihat tenang, kini menampilkan tersenyum lebar.
Egonya yang kembang kempis tak diperlihatkan.
"Saya senang kamu ada disini bersama saya," katanya.
Matanya menatap lekat muka si perempuan.

"Saya juga."
Balas si perempuan pendek, dengan senyum.
Tentu saja tidak, ungkap hatinya.
Kamu memang pandai menipu diri sendiri, timpal pikirannya.
Sekali lagi, bukan masalah, demikian egonya berusaha menengahi, kamu tidak menipu siapa - siapa.
Kamu perempuan, dan dia laki - laki yang tertarik padamu.
Apa yang salah dengan itu?

Iya, apa yang salah?
Kecuali bahwa faktanya adalah si perempuan tidak tertarik sama sekali dengan laki - laki yang duduk di depannya.
Yang berusaha memikatnya dengan cerita - cerita penuh mimpi.
Perempuan itu tersenyum geli.
Laki - laki bodoh! Siapa juga yang tertarik ceritamu? Desisnya dalam hati.
Kali ini pikiran dan egonya menyoraki, bahkan bergantian ikut mengompori.

"Kamu orangnya sangat menyenangkan. Nggak tau kenapa kamu selalu membuat saya senang."
Kembali si lelaki menekankan.
Matanya tak berhenti terpaku pada wajah si perempuan.

Si perempuan ingin berteriak dalam hatinya.
Dan kamu membuat saya bosan.
Kamu memuja saya, dan saya tidak suka.
Kamu mencoba memukau saya dengan harta.
Ah... saya lebih berharap makan gulai di emperan bersama orang lain yang bukan kamu.
Disembunyikannya pandangannya dalam rampaian hiasan meja yang rumit.

Mata si lelaki mengejar arah mata perempuan itu.
Hanya beberapa saat, lalu dia melantangkan tekad, "Orang kalau jodoh nggak akan kemana - mana."

Si perempuan tersenyum saja.
Mengangguk manis sambil memainkan gelasnya yang masih penuh terisi Cabernet.
Dalam dua jam ia akan mengucap terima kasih, basa - basi dan beranjak pergi.
Dua jam saja, lalu dia akan melupakan malam ini dengan whisky cola dan sahabat - sahabat dekatnya.

2009-09-27T01:28:00.006+07:00

The Coffee Talk

The first drop of the rain fell on the porch as the first drip of the coffee flowed towards the beige porcelain cup.

"Hey it starts to rain."
My friend said, tilting his head so he can see through the french window clearly.

I searched into the direction.
Involuntarily inhaled deeply, as the air that rain brings were usually concrete with liquefied emotions.
"Coffee and rain goes well with each other."
I recited a saying while handing him out his cup of Mandailing.

He reached out, holding the cup with both his palms as if to warm them.
He inhaled the earthy aroma coming out of the oil from the coffee.
"Ah... lovely. Anyway, why aren't you going out tonight? I thought you're sorta dating this guy who's totally smitten about you..."
He took a sip. Let it linger on the walls of the mouth for awhile, his eyes shut as it took place.

"Hmmm... after giving it few thoughts, I think I'm going to let it hang on the air for awhile until I know what to do with it."
I told him as I'm taking my seat.

He was unfazed.
"Well are you happy with that?"

I chuckled.
"Define happy."

While he was killing himself seeking the right wit (with rhymes when possible) to give me, my mind played back some old videotapes.

I've mostly been happy, yet I've always known that I could've been happier...
I've always known exactly what I want (and what I don't want as by product), but have I reached out for that? Or have I always been settling for less, with the sorry thought of unworthy in mind?
I gulped when the latter comes to mind.

In my dating life, there were times when I plunged right into frisky flings with blind hopes.
No, not that I fell right after the fling is in, but there were so many times when I got really confused and I just couldn't tell lust from love.
Come to think of it, I've also mistaken curiosity and attraction as some sort of love heading form.
I rushed into things for far too many reason, too many times.

I should've wait, should've let it linger for more while and then let it fall into its places, rather than smashing it altogether and let it fall into pieces.
And when it's done, I shouldn't have mourned in a flash hope that it could be something.
While in fact, I knew right from the start that it would never be anything.
Like a cheap moisturizer, it might just sit on your skin no matter how hard you tried to slap and massage it in.

And maybe I should've let chances step in as well.
Not rejecting them right before they even knock the door.
Since we all know that in the end manageable happens to befriend passable.
And while compromising lives in another world, it would still be attainable if you reach out.
And it would be attainable only if you reach out.
But would it be right, when the one thing left might not what you're looking for?
Not only you'd caught up bruises by beating around the bush, other people might get hurt as well.

"Happiness is when you love being yourself. Especially with the ones who are around you."
He broke the golden silence.

"Happiness is when you can have good conversation that seemed to be never ending. Enough said."
I replied, sipping my coffee.

He stared at me, smiling.
"I agree with you. But I think you're carrying too much weight on your mind right now."

I watched the rain droplet danced with the wooden porch, silently.

He went on, "Everything happens for a reason. You wouldn't be this far if none or even one of the previous events took place. The current you is the product of all your experiences combined. You wouldn't reach your destination without their help. You'll get somewhere pretty much quickly anyway. Just stop blaming yourself."

The rain went drizzling, making beautiful sounds its divine voices.
It was a prelude before the voices started to create a rhythm of harmony.
And somehow, it reminded me of someone.
I quickly downed my coffee hoping the thought would soon fade.
It did.

2009-09-18T01:31:00.004+07:00

S(enja)

"Kamu nggak berhenti tersenyum dari tadi."
Satu kalimat saja, dan lelaki itu kembali meneguk Coca Colanya.

Si perempuan seperti tersentak. Sebentar kemudian tergelak.
"Aku suka garis wajahmu diterpa cahaya senja," ucapnya, jemarinya mulai menghampiri wajah lelaki di sampingnya, "Aku benar - benar suka."

Lelaki itu membiarkannya, bahkan menikmatinya, memejamkan matanya.
Tersenyum. Mulutnya sejenak terbuka, namun langsung buru - buru dikatupnya kembali.

Si perempuan diam saja.
Melanjutkan kegiatannya membelai garis wajah tirus si lelaki kurus.
Wajah yang lelah, agak kusam karena sudah berjam - jam kena debu, tirus, sedikit tertutup rambutnya yang tipis dan berantakan.

Si lelaki membuka matanya, yang langsung berbinar, seperti senyum lebarnya.
Tangannya menyentuh tangan si perempuan, seperti memintanya untuk menghentikan aktivitasnya, lalu menangkupkan tangannya kuat disana.
"Sudah. Nanti aku jadi ngantuk."

"Kalau kamu ngantuk, kita tidur saja ya?"
Balas si perempuan, arah matanya tajam dan lekat pada muka si lelaki.

Si lelaki langsung tertawa, tergelak.
"Ah! Itu cuma alasanmu mengajak aku bercinta!"
Sejenak kemudian bibirnya saling mengatup dan membentuk senyum, "Tapi aku mau!"
Demikian bisiknya ke telinga si perempuan.

Perempuan itu tertawa, bukan karena lucu tentunya.
Hanya sebuah euforia, karena kena sasarannya.
"Kamu akan jadi lelaki ke-100 yang bercinta denganku!"

Tangan si lelaki meremas kuat tangan perempuan itu.
"Kamu tong sampah sperma!", desisnya, penuh nafsu.

Si perempuan kembali tertawa.
"Awas ya kamu kalau jatuh cinta!", ucapnya, balas menangkup tangan si lelaki.

"Aku nggak bisa janji apa - apa. Aku bisa saja jatuh cinta besok, bisa juga malam ini setelah kita selesai bercinta, bisa juga nggak sama sekali karena mungkin kamu tidurnya mendengkur..."
Deraian kata - kata si lelaki bukannya tanpa arti.
Mereka saling menatap.

"Aku ingin tau rasanya bercinta gila - gilaan denganmu," kata si perempuan lembut.
Matanya tak berhenti terpaku pada mata si lelaki.

Si lelaki hanya tersenyum dengan bibir mengatup.
Sebentar kemudian dia menjawab, "Aku juga."
Lalu dikatupkannya bibirnya kembali.

Lalu si lelaki merapatkan bibirnya ke wajah perempuan di depannya.
Pipi awalnya, lalu menggesernya perlahan, menyentuhkannya pada bibir si perempuan.
Saat senja, cinta menyapa.
Hangat mulanya, menderu berikutnya, membara, lalu gelap gulita.
Menjadi satu dengan hitam langit.
Saat malam, angin menghampir.
Tubuh yang saling memuja, bersentuhan, berdekapan, berhadapan.
Jadi satu dengan cita, mengabur dalam fana.

2009-09-13T00:58:00.006+07:00

the asphalt flower

I just know that my feelings will remain the same, everytime I see you.
And I will count the days when I don't.
And with you, I will fall thousand times over, no holds barred.

I think I wouldn't even mind salivating my wounds.
Knowing that just a drop of your thought will put to heal.
That you are my asphalt flower, grows lovelier after series of torture.

My thoughts of you are scattered yet shiny like the bedazzling stars.
And before everything gets cheesy,
I'd like to admit that I have secretly put a hope in a jar with your name on it.

In a scrape of paper I wrote, I hope you'll find me someday.
That day will be the day I have breakfast in bed with you.
And until it's on my doorstep, I have a wonderful life to live.

2009-09-12T02:24:00.008+07:00

The Kite Runner

I haven't read the book, yet the film touched my heart deliberately.
Yes I am that major weeper who shed tears at the drop of Kleenex but The Kite Runner is a truly beautiful story.
And I haven't wept for a long time...

The whole story took me back to Ramadhan at instance.
The truth is, at the beginning of this Ramadhan, I was lost.
Totally lost, almost to no extent, I thought this was probably just meaningless festive season I have to go through.
But I guess something in the universe had just smiled at me, handpicked a story for my bedtime so I feel refreshed when I'm awake on the next day.

To me, the film wasn't just another piece of disc played for entertainment.
It is work of fiction, as we all know, but it is a story of so many values we often forget.
We're busy bees who are constantly on the run, and while doing so, our values seemed to fly off as our wings wilt.
And when things are just too complicated, we can no longer tell fiction from life.

The storytelling is very beautiful and gracefully reminded me of who I am.
The ridges seemed to soften, smoothen, the wound dried up and gone.
Yes the same ridges and wounds that got us forgetting that we are just human being.
As powerful as we are as human being, God is still the supreme being.

There are so many things that you could never predict, and while He never ceased to surprise, He kept so many good things in store as well.
But the good stuffs were never freebies, as they should be earned.
Sometimes He waited for us to fetch it from the top shelves.
Sometimes He gave us a pat on the back so we wouldn't stop trying.
Sometimes He shoved a torch into our pocket so we have to learn how to peruse it.
Sometimes He just played God - He is one after all - and showed us all what He is capable of.
And despite of everything, He never really got tired of us.
And if that's not love, I don't know what is.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just the time of month.
But The Kite Runner had just put the light back in me.
Well anything that managed to touch my heart would work anyway.
And I hope that kind of thing is the thing that will run a thousand times over.

2009-09-11T17:39:00.005+07:00

Aku sedang membayangkan...

... mencengkeram erat tubuhmu, hingga kau merintih dan tersenyum bersamaan.
Aku ingin menikmatimu inci per inci, membelaimu, menciumimu, mengigitmu!
Hingga nafasmu memburu, satu persatu.
Hingga matamu mengerjap dalam bias mimpi.
Hingga kau meracau dalam gelap.

Kasihku...
Aku juga ingin mendengar cerita bahagiamu, kisah sedihmu, pernik - pernik yang hanya tersimpan dalam kelamnya sinar matamu.
Jika saja kau mengizinkanku.
Jika saja aku mau.
Jika saja semua bisa selesai dalam satu malam saja.

Dan saat terang datang, kita bisa tertawa dan berkata, "Dan kita pernah bahagia bersama."

2009-09-09T16:46:00.007+07:00

about being lucky in bed

A friend laughed when I'm done storytelling a piece...
"Damn woman! You slept with all the good writers!"

Oh yes. I did. I got lucky sometimes.

I've always thought it's a must have item - love the writings, worship the physique, keep the memory as a token.
I've experienced a few so far, but only two remained in my brain.

But seriously, why should you put barriers to what you exactly want?
I have always thought that sex is just like having a coffee.
Sometimes you want to have a good coffee and you come back to your regular place.
And sometimes there's this very interesting new place in town that you just have to have it.
And you can't help it when the place sucks you in and let their coffee mesmerize you.
And sometimes it won't let you get away =)

The pull of interest can be anything.
In my case, it's always that wit - sharp, preferably.
And since writers are mostly talking the same language, it's not that hard to spot the good ones (the sexy ones... the rough, raw, kinky ones...).

So please have your coffee and drink it too...
Some girls just have all the fucks.

2009-09-09T11:53:00.003+07:00

why do you want to have a child?

I couldn't imagine myself having a child.
What would it be like?
Would it be nice, having a small mini - me that goes around tailing me everywhere?

I have never been fond of children anyway.
I cringe at supposedly cute, lovable babies.
Well they are helpless, pounds of meat looking for somebody to take care of them, but why would you need them?

Children, especially babies, are way expensive and require a lot of hardwork.
I barely have time for myself, let alone squeezing another human being into my life.
The child might be prodigal though, copying my process of thinking and values et cetera.
And won't it be scary?
I couldn't even bear the thought in mind, and I would have to be taking full responsibility of the child, even, as an unwanted bonus.

Not to mention those constantly diaper changing, colic, throwing up the expensive food, furniture scabbing... the list goes up.

I might want a child when I'm fully grown up.
But since I'm still in development, I wonder when the time will come.

2009-09-07T12:21:00.004+07:00

a closed caption

I would not lie to you.
Sometimes the thought of you will reside every once in a while.
And the thought alone gave me comfort, as if I did something right (or met someone right) in my life.

I would not lie to you.
I still do write some poems about you, end up rhyming with your name, and all those stupid shits that only a stalker would do.
But they gave me comfort and they were all sealed up in a bubble box you would never see.

I would not lie to you.
I miss the late night conversation that we had, and those lines on your face too.
I wish I could see you again, not that you mind, I know - but I just can't...

I would not lie to you.
Sometimes blind hopes comes crashing in, uninvited.
and the thought of we bumping into each other unintentionally is just too beautiful to be missed - alas, we won't...

And now where's the delete button when I need one?

2009-08-27T18:29:00.004+07:00

Je t'aime... moi non plus

The last drop of Chablis had just been polished off.
There wasn't a lot of conversation during the dinner.
Conversation would be unnecessary since all I did was just sitting numb
staring at your lovely physique.

It was your idea to dine au naturel afterplay,
and with you, it was a natural thing to do.

You didn't seem to mind giving me pleasure in all senses.
Every inch of you was the pleasure station anyway.

You must've caught the thought, you were firm when saying
"L'amour physique est sans issue."
Your voice was rasp, your lips were already probing my ears.
Dishes and dirty silverwares were sitting on the table, waiting for the next scene.

Our bare skin slapped on one another, creating friction that was unbearably sensuous.
Only yours was hot to the touch.

"Tu es le vague, moi lle nue."
I whispered at you, while your lips started to squash mine.

I could feel you smiling while our lips interlocking to each other.
You broke the connection just for a cause,
"Comme la vague irresolu..."
Not for long since you chose to proceed with your brutal way.

By the time I finished saying
"Tu vas, tu vas et tu viens. Entre mes reins."
You've placed your fingers around my neck and slowly crunch them together.
But I know what you loved most - seeing the effect on me was the erotica itself.

By the time I started to lose my conscience
I had already bow down to the table, as you breathlessly breathed to me,
"Je vais et je viens. Et je rejoins."
I could see the misty reflection of me and you on the fridge.

You were the loveliest creature on earth.
At that time.
I craved for you and there you were responding to me
at the time I slurred softly, "... je me retiens."

You twisted your arms onto mine.
Your lips were travelling relentlessly on my nape, on my back.
I couldn't comprehend what you were actually saying
until you let out your magic spell, loud and clear "Non! Maintenant. Viens!"

You were mine.
At that time.
I supposed you must've read my mind.
I could hear it whispering to you "Je t'aime."

You stood back, giving me a space to breathe.
And I could hear your mind replying to me, "Moi non plus."

It was like a gesture to put everything back together.
I stamped my feet to the ground and turned around to face you.
You were still the loveliest creature on earth.
Mindsplitting lovely.

You lingered your gaze at me while lighting your cigarette.
I took it out of your sickly sweet mouth and quickly disposed it.

Dishes and dirty silverwares were sitting still on the table.
Well they would have to wait until we're done.

2009-08-10T12:01:00.005+07:00

Empat

Empat perempuan berkumpul di sebuah meja bundar.
Duduk bersama, berhadapan, siap berbagi cerita.

Perempuan pertama, telah jatuh cinta untuk yang kedua kalinya.
Katanya, sensasinya seperti mandi air hangat di malam hari, setelah seharian berbalur peluh.
Cinta pertamanya, wah, entah terselip dimana.
Mungkin jadi keringat saat ia sedang masyuk bersenggama.
Mungkin memang sudah jadi jelaga, yang hanya perlu dikerik dan ditanggalkan.

Perempuan kedua, sedang menikmati jadi pujaan hati.
Bukan hanya meja kerjanya, hati dan pikirannya juga penuh dijejali bunga.
Bahkan sinar matahari saja malu menatapnya, habis, iri soalnya!
Muka yang berbinar selalu jadi kosmetiknya.
Untuk menutupi kabut kelabu yang diam - diam tersemat dalam hatinya.

Perempuan ketiga, berteriak karena kehilangan cinta.
"Aku sudah memberikan segalanya untukmu, biadab! Bajingan tak tau terima kasih!"
Pedih sungguh menatap matanya, karena hanya awan hitam tebal yang tergambar disana.
Kering sudah air matanya, tapi luka hatinya masih belum kering juga.
Tidak ada yang lain yang bisa mengobati dia, kecuali kekasih hati yang pergi entah kemana.

Perempuan keempat, hampa memandang mereka semua.
"Aku pernah jadi pujaan hati, aku pernah kehilangan cinta, aku pernah juga jatuh cinta."
Lirih saja ia bertutur, sebelum akhirnya kembali membungkam.
Kemarau telah terlalu panjang berlangsung untuknya.
Dalam hatinya dia rindu hujan untuk datang membanjir, sekali saja.

Empat perempuan berdiri, satu persatu meninggalkan meja, mengucap, "Sampai jumpa."

2009-08-06T10:16:00.005+07:00

Song Without Words

"Do you like it?"
He clutched her feet with his firm grip.
He was actually giving her a footrub.

"Fancy a guy giving me a handjob."
She was already laughing at her own joke.

He replied with his boyish giggle.
"I've been told women will do anything for a good massage."
He winked at her, then proceed with
"You look tired anyway, so I guess it's good idea to drag you here and let you breathe for awhile."

And by saying here, what he meant was actually his space of work; super messy desk, color separation and piles of cardboard laid down casually, half bottle of Bacardi and some unidentified objects on the background.
Not a piece of photograph, he's no sissy.
Not a good space to really breathe for a good while, but it was nice nonetheless.
They both needed an escape.

"Hmm... you should rest your high heels for awhile. Your feet is screaming their agony to me."
He went on, his grip loosened to small caresses then.
His rough fingers against her soft, fair skin.

Her eyes were shut as the treatment goes.
She was about to lose her consciousness when she found him saying.
"I can tell a lot about a woman through her feet."

Her eyes went open as she let out a girly sigh.
"Oh really? Some sort of palmistry but this one reads the sole of the feet."
She laughed and he joined her.

He squeezed her two feet gently, while looking at her.
"I know that...", his gaze uninterrupted, "... you carry a lot of stuff on your shoulders right now."

She nodded, the heat from his palms started to take effect on her heels.
"What else?"
She inquired with just a right amount of excitement.

"A lot of stuff going in your head as well," he maintained his eye locked into hers, "But your heart is vacant."

She laughed.
"It's under maintenance. But it's still beating."

He smiled a boyish smile.
He was full of boyish charm, she noticed.
"It it opening soon?"
He asked as the matter of fact.

She choked.
It wasn't what she expected and he knobbed the wrong spot.
She was about to pull back when he decidedly leaning forward, holding her feet close.
His lips were positioned right above her knees she could feel his warm breathing on her skin.

"No pressure."
He said, smiled his very boyish smile.
He put his head on her knees, pressing his cheek gently.

She was about to put her guard down but it wasn't for good reason so she didn't.
Yet it was so nice she downed all the sorry thoughts and tried her best to shut her mouth.
She was even tempted to touch and run fingers through his hair, but then he got up.

"Let's go back downstairs, before they notice us gone."
He took her hand and let it hang loosely in his.

She felt awkward as he led her down the stairs.
Big party was happening downstairs, but if she were given option, she'd rather be with him alone in his working quarter.
It was quite a momentum..

2009-07-30T10:58:00.005+07:00

The First Date

“Well... I went to University of Maryland, majoring in Architecture.”

She nodded while toying with her beer bottle.

“Oh. So how come you’re not an architect now?”

She looked at him, wide eyed.

He smiled, before chirping along.

“Yea and then I realized it’s not my real calling so here I am, doing something that I really like. This.”

She smiled, beaming.

“Wow… you’re really passionate on what you’re doing. That’s interesting, I hardly ever met a guy like that.”

His eyes ablazed as his nostrils flared.

He put on a grin, which then looked like splitting his face into two horizontal pies.

It was cool outside, they were having patio dinner with couple of beers.

The whole scene was in a blanket of starry sky and the breeze was balmy and just right.

It wasn't really a first encounter, but they would like to think it was, as it was, a perfect first date scene.

She glanced at her phone. 11.00.

“Ah. It’s late already. I gotta go now. It’s been a pleasure to meet you, really.”

He grabbed her hands swiftly.

“I’ll drive you home.”

She smiled while putting a soft pat to avoid hands crunching.

“No. It’s okay, really. You must go back to work, right? And we’re not neighbors anyway, I don’t want to trouble you.”

He stood straight up.

“I would like to see you again.”

“Me too...”

She blushed, then put on a dreamy smile.

They airkissed for few seconds before splitting ways.

Her phone rang and she picked it up.

“How was your first date?”

A slumbertone voice called out.

She blurted out, right away.

“Bo-o-o-o-o-ring. I just couldn’t believe my luck. All the time he was trying to make conversation and I didn’t even understand a word he’s saying! Hahahaha.”

The slumbertone voice joined her laughing so hard, and went on.

“Any chance for second date?”

She clicked her heels, before answering.

“Na-a-a. Not even any slight chance of hitting the sheets.”

The slumbertone voice followed after a chuckle,

“Talking about sheets, I think you should come home now baby, I miss you between the sheets.”

The last few words were almost a whisper.

She smiled, knowing and anticipating for what’s happening next.

She felt her blood pumping.

“Can’t wait to see you there baby. Lofya.”

“Lofya ad infinitum.”

She flipped the phone off as she hailed a cab home.

2009-07-15T00:52:00.014+07:00

Pick Ups

It was a frantic, hectic, heavy breathing day.
One of those days when things just seem to go wrong.
She was so tired she barely could lift a finger, let alone her thoughts.
She was chainsmoking, letting things fly free, as if it was just debris and dust on the sidewalk.
Her eyes were fixed to her lovely shoes, although her mind wandered around, as if looking for her soul.
She toyed with the idea, while giving it a chuckle.

"Do you wish you were somewhere else?"
A voice caught her from behind.

"Yes, is that too obvious?"
She replied, not bothered to look.
She was smiling though, blowing smoke excessively as if feeling sexy.

He took it as an invitation, and stepped closer.
"Don't we all wish that we're somewhere else, rather than this shitty rut?"
He produced a cigarette out, lighted it, chained it with a smile.

She lifted her gaze, instantly reckoned he's got a very nice smile.
"At least when we allow our minds to wander around, like puppies, things are seemingly simpler."

He fixed her gaze with his stare.
"And I believe you like things to be simple, don't you?"

She laughed.
"Alas, we can't have everything we want!" She paused, lighted another cigarette.
"Like being at places we don't want to be, right?"

He took his seat, close to her.
"Right. But it's nice to come out for a little while and have things the way we want. Even just for five seconds."

She nodded in agreement.
"I would kill to have everything I want just for five seconds."

He laughed appreciatively.
"Wow. Careful on what you wish for. Anyway... I don't even know your name."
He lingered his gaze on her.

She looked hesitant at first, uncomfortable after.
"Why do you want to know anyway?"

He laughed.
"One anonymous girl, one hot night." It was his turn to pause, then looked away.
"Hey not that I imply anything by saying that, though..."

Her eyes fished out for his.
"Oh that's too bad..."

He straightened his gaze. Searching something in her eyes.
Found nothing, then he produced, "What does it mean?"

She wasn't even smiling.
"I was just thinking outloud. Is it wrong?"
She leaned forward to reach a remote ashtray.
She could tell that he smelled of leather and stale cigarettes.

He gave a quick no while putting the cigarette butt in the ashtray.
He brushed his arms casually against her while doing so.
"Let's say you can get away from here, now. Where would you like to be?"

She lingered awhile before slurring out, "My place or yours?"

He blinked off as an approval.
Then a "Let's just go and then we decide," popped out soon after.

She smiled her coy smile.
"I'll meet you downstairs."

He sealed the deal with a gleeful smile.

She got up, making her way to the ladies room before going downstairs.

Both produced a cellphone out of their bags.
He made a call, to his driver to come to the lobby.
She was texting something on her phone.

They met at the lobby.
He turned his phone off.
She was about to turn her phone silent when a notification appeared on the screen.
"That's ok, sweetie. Things just happen. Just do what you have to do..."
She deleted the text message at once, just as he grabbed her waist to plant a kiss on her mouth.

2009-07-08T22:16:00.011+07:00

Garmin Talk

My best buddy just got his first smartphone - one of his lifelong wish that finally came true - and as an icing on the cake, it's pre installed with Garmin.
And then to celebrate, we went off trying out his new new missy.

No question that we were set to crack up Garmin's maidenhood.
So with that thing on, Gotta Have It-s armed at hand, we cruised down the road.
"Where exactly are we going?"
I asked him, fingers ready at the smartphone's touchpad.
He just bucked at the steering wheel, shook his head and laughed.
"Hell I have no idea..."
Yeh well I thought GPS were made to locate a certain destination and tell us how to get there, but never to tell us where we should be heading next.
He couldn't help but agree...

Some people actually know where to go but uncertain of their own fate.
They sit at the passenger's seat and let others drive.
Some know exactly where they're going but don't mind to stop or make any unintentional turn at the crossroad if it feels right.
While some others just hit the road with pretty much no idea in mind.
They trust their intuition like a golden compass, GPS may have to step aside.

I like to wander around - with a specific destination in mind - but I don't mind if I have to find my own way to get there - I like to get lost more than I'd like to admit.
I could still recall there was this one balmy night where one prince charming took me off to several destinations in one go, with eyes wide shut.
With his wicked smile he was saying, "Let's define this trip."
And with that he shifted gears relentlessly.
I could still recall the euphoric sensation, heart didn't skip a beat and mind raced like shit.
It was so great I put my life on a pause, at that point.
I thought I could recreate the feeling by taking any trips with my eyes closed.
I was wrong.
I have learned in my own expense that it was the prince charming that makes up for the wonderful trip, and not vice versa.
But that wouldn't stop me from taking more trips.
Have to say that sometimes a prince charming is just a frog waiting to be kissed - ok most of the times they're just frogs and that's it, but so what?
And after all, it's always the journey that counts and not the destination.

"Fancy some mpek mpek?"
A baritone voice flew in.
He just broke into my daydreaming.
"There are few options, though..."
That was said while he got himself bucking at the steering wheel, shook his head and laughed.
Ok buddy, let's go and check them all out.
I don't think we need the Garmin for that so let's just save the batteries and turn her off.

2009-07-06T00:29:00.007+07:00

Autour de Minuit

- 1 hour.

"Sin infidels."

The woman tilted her head, letting out few slurry words.
"I thought we have just finished that whole bottle."

The man stared at the woman, in disbelief, then chuckled.
"Sometimes I just don't believe what's coming out of your mouth. I was saying sin infidels, not zinfandels."
He ran his fingers through her hair.
It was messy, and a bit dirty, just the way he had always loved it.

The woman regained her composure.
"Well we're not doing anything sinful are we? It's certainly wicked, but not sinful."
She was coy but he made her candid - like they ever.

The man wasn't about to break his stare. He would have to, but not on that time frame.
"I'm not going to say anything at all. Words are seem to vapor when you're around."
His eyes were dwelling with emotions, and she obviously realized that.

She was dealing with strange, odd waves herself, and no plan yet to splash it off.
The woman replied, "But it's words that glued us together."

The man smiled at the woman's reply.
"You are my poetry in motion..." was his verbal reaction.

Her fingers joined his.
Their hand have already opened their delicate fists.
Her lips welcomed his.
Their kisses were as passionate as they were always, roaming between the shadow and the soul.

It was just like the first time they met.

"Drunk as drunk on turpentine..."
The man was recalling his line.
"I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair..."
The man breathed into the woman's ears.

The woman choked. Her huge, still eyes widened as her body stiffened.
"I have always wanted a guy who would recite me Neruda..."

+ 1 hour.

"On my way home. Ran into an old friend and had couple of beers."
The woman peeked the man texting.
Not a chance she would ask who the receiver may be.

The man didn't make any attempt to hide it.
"Tonight I can write the saddest line."

The woman looked away from at the man.
"The magic is gone. Let's play human and be civil."

The man glanced at the woman through the window reflection.
He didn't say a thing, for he was too busy saving his own soul.
The last thing he saw before he got out of the cab was her texting someone, "Are you still up?"
He didn't look twice, let alone looking into her eyes.

2009-06-24T03:58:00.003+07:00

While the others are fast asleep, here I am counting my blessings - and not the sheep - unpacking my emotional suitcase, reminiscing things that were left from my last holiday.
One more day before kick starting a brand new day - and a new brand, indeed.
Gone are those days of choosing the hotels to stay, pack - unpack activity, waking up early, planning what-to-dos on that day, and getting really nice surprises as the twist.
As much as I love every single minute of those times, I know that I have to wake up one day and start living normal.

Although I'd like to lie about all the fun I've had - I'm sure that you know - you were the nicest surprise in my holiday.
Yes, you, your wiry smile, your beautiful mind, your sharp wit - and some other things I just can't say - you've tickled my fancy just nice.

Now that all the stuffs are neatly put to its places, I might be able to get some sleep.
As much as I love Jakarta, it gives me a sick feeling that causes me to sleep late and waking up into tedium. Every day.
Living normal does have its price.

I'm going to bed now, rest assured the lucid dream will keep on haunting.
But if I drop you somewhere in my thoughts, things might just seem easier as if I'm on a holiday.
And if I'm lucky, you wouldn't mind somehow.

So good night, sleep tight.

2009-06-12T18:15:00.004+07:00

I hit the treadmill regularly, religiously.
It's the race between the mind and the legs that keeps me going, without even thinking.
A thin boundary of two worlds is torn everytime I hit the "Start" button.
And while the treadmill session went on, that's the time I slice and spread out my thoughts like rolls of films in the darkroom.
No, perhaps it was more like unrolling a Cinnabon and savour it, slowly.
It's more than just an enjoyable exercise to keep me fit or to let things go.
It's a confession chamber.

The past two weeks has been very random to me.
Might be the best two weeks of my life.
I went to the most amazing places I've only seen in postcards, rubbed shoulder with beautiful strangers, plunged into new experiences, tasted life once again.
And not just that.
With so many things went in and out, my emotions glued altogether, forming a curl into a ball and then it rolled about.
It gravitated around and about and I found myself smiling from time to time.
With something so good, there must be an explanation for that.
Because just like the elderly used to say, when things going well, you should brace up to the crash afterwards.
We had been taught that when things are good to be true, they must've been mere dreams.
Yet I've learned in my own expenses that it's so stupid not to live your dream.
It's a waste to bottle up your emotions and let it die down like wilting flower.
The flower would stay beautiful, but it's also dead.
Since I am not dead yet, so why would I bottle things up and let it fizzle off until it's gone?
I wouldn't want to skip a heartbeat.
I would love to taste everything, at least for once.

My thoughts were still running out and about, trailing behind, waiting to be cached when I realized that I was already standing at the coffee shop, facing their vast array of menu.
The barista gazed at me through his librarian glasses.
He was good looking.
He was my type, but then again, I never fall for one certain type.
There was some strange spark in his gaze that sent me wondering what he would look like if he's naked with the glasses still on.
"What would you have this evening?"
There he proceeded to ask, nicely.

I glanced at his uniform but there was no name tag on it.
"What about... a nice anonymous f*** to go?" went straightforward.

He looked startled for one second, but then managed to laugh appreciatively, without any trace of negative emotions.
His pout hinted me that I would have to hit the treadmill again, first thing next morning.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

2009-05-22T15:52:00.003+07:00

There was this pretty girl with long, plaited hair.

She was sitting next to a scrawny boy.
The girl's eyes were the evident of hopes and longing, while the boy was visibly playing around.
The boy was trying to hold the girl's hand and she was blushing uncontrollably.
A classic mating game story.

And then there were this group dominatrix.
Strategically took the center stage, as if theatrical.
All decked up in LV, bouffant hair and makeup as thick as their padded bra, they produced the loudest noise even without the speaker on.
But nobody paid attention anyway. Nobody but me.

There were also those long haired teenage boys who are long overdue for a shampoo.
Bragging peskily around and about.
Nothing apprehensible, even if you hold out your ears towards them.

yet they were so hilarious as if they were doing something great to save the world.

I am always intrigued, fascinated even on how plural people are.
I have always been amazed on how a coffee shop could teach us a thing or two about people.

The coffee shop offers me not just their wide range of coffee, but also the ever interesting array of customers.

It caught me.

Like now.

I should be working and completing something.
But I can't.
My thoughts were flying around in every direction possible.

All the destination goes to you.
If I close my eyes and try to distill the thoughts, I would've extracted 1001 tales about you.
I could even write about how you walked into this coffee shop with your wiry smile,
and how your crisp laughter filled my head. Or how you would drink your coffee.

Why is that?

I guess you’ve got me come undone.

2009-04-01T01:09:00.000+07:00

"Your fifth. I'm counting."

She blew on a smoke, not giving any feedback.

"Quit smoking. Smoking kills."
There he went before a pause.

She laughed at his remark.
"And you're lighting your tenth. Rite-o."

He snorted.
He put his lighter down, took a heavy whiff before answering.
"Rite. Us masochist just won't quit freakin ourselves."

She downed her beer.
It wasn't cold, but hey, at this hour, anything goes.

"Have you finished that report?"
He inquired, his tone of voice demanding.

"Doing it right now, dammit. And where's my request?"

"In 5 seconds. Can you wait for 5 seconds?"
He was multitasking for once; sipping his vodka, planting on an ashtray and clicking mouse at the same time.

She didn't respond, not even bothered to nod.
She put the speaker volume on high.

He hummed along.
5 seconds of silence.
And then he went on.
"Let's go to a club right now. Let's go hard drinking and get spent and forget about all this."

"And then?"
She popped up straightforwardly.
Her eyes watery from not getting enough sleep and not blinking by getting the stir of the thought.

"And then I get to take you home and then you beg for me not to take you home but to a hotel room instead and we start sucking each other's lips and skin and then I get to undress you and then we f*** like mad and when we're done we can smoke shit, talk shit, or work, if you like. Okeydokey?"

She licked her lips instinctively.
A smile and a chuckle came - by product of that thought.
"Sounds good to me." Almost like a whisper.

He went on huskily, now even closer to her ear.
"And I get to do whatever you tell me to. Let's play master and slave, I bet we're good in that."

And then her mind went blank, just like her screen.
"I think we should end this conversation now."
Her voice firm.
She glanced at her watch - a present from her parents - 12.00 and she felt a guilty pang just by thinking about home.

She could hear him LOL.
"I guess I just turn you on, rite?"
He concluded.

"Rite. And I also have to get home to water my plants. And you still have a report to finish."
She turned her computer off.

"Alrighty then. Have a nice evening. Take care."
He hung up in a snap.

She already flipped her phone off, not bothering to kiss and bye.
Hurrily she collected her things, and out fast.

But she wouldn't lie that her mind wandered off while she was hailing a cab home.
Wondered if they were gazing on the same stars that night.
She dispensed that thought quickly as she got in a cab.

A text message received 5 seconds after.
"I know I told you I'm not drinking tonight. But I'm heading to a bar right now. Wish to share this. Cheers."

She let out a deep sigh.
The message was quickly deleted off her inbox.
It's much rest that she needed so let's call it a night.

2009-03-05T20:59:00.002+07:00

Between meetings, between deadlines, between heroes, there's this thing called cigarette break that keep us sane.
And everyone will agree (everyone who smokes, that is) that cigarette break is the glue that bind people together.
Over whiffs of nicotine and cloudy air, you'll find wisdom and friendship.
Or whatever floats your boat.

In my case, I love listening to others' stories, whether it's a sweet story or a neverending melodrama.
But this recent piece by a good friend almost told me off.
His story was that he had been hallucinating for such a long time.
The effect, as he was saying, is similar to having too many joints.
God knows what happens.
To cut the story short, he happened to suffer from a heartbreak recently.
Then he met this girl, a lovely, pretty, everything about her are wonderful kind of girl who adored him like mad.
He was already starting a new story with this pretty little thing, even before the story itself begins.
A couple of trickery did it until he suddenly sees the light.
He wasn't in love with this girl at all.
Then he called it off.
Then he told her "It's not you, it's me."
*yawn*
The same old story.

What was amazing to me is what comes next.
"I know it's not possible. I care a lot about her but I just can't do this. I'm too scared of losing her."
Of course it's possible.
You never loved her, you just thought you fell in love with her and that you were ready to start a new new thing until you realized that you're not.
Then he went on.
"I just never want to do this. I never want to break someone's heart. I care about her, you know that."
Well yah maybe. But definitely not that much.
Actually you were only sorry because you broke her heart and tried to find an excuse of doing so.
He blew on a smoke.
"You got it right. Thank you."
I wasn't doing anything at all.
Then he leaned towards me.
"I have you in mind right now."

I swear there were moment of hesitation back then.
Until I came out of my hallucination and found myself already laughing.
An "I don't," followed afterwards.

He regain his composure not long after.
I stared at him hard.
He looked away, dropped his cigarette down his feet and crushed it until it's gone.
The offer had just expired.

And then it went like it never happened.
We both know it did, but let's just pretend it didn't.

I still love hearing out stories on cigarette breaks.
But those stories don't have to include me in.
Because, if so, then a cigarette break certainly won't be the lifeline to keep me sane anymore, right?

2009-02-07T06:10:00.002+07:00

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

He loved the way she closes her eyes.

Her tubed lashes sway as she did, creating a lovely gesture that he's crazy about.
Involuntarily, he extend his arms, gently touching her heavy lashes with his index fingers.
Carefully while doing so, he paused his breathing, not wanting to lose the moment.

He then grazed her eyelids with his fingertips.
She seemed to enjoy it, but he also knew that her mind was someplace else.
He went on toying with her hair, gently caressing it like it was precious.
She opened her eyes in instance.
Her big eyes staring at him hard.
A sweep of regret flown towards his head.

She moved away, still facing him while tucking her hair at her back.
Her eyes were staring hard at him like she was examining him.
He couldn't care less whatever her thoughts might contain.
His own thoughts were filled with just how wonderful those eyes were.
And how much he would miss seeing them.

Knowing that their timeline spun slimmer than cigarettes, he didn't want to play nifty tricks that might abort all functions in the game.

"Until next time, I guess?"
He cooled down a bit.
She gave it a laugh.
A laugh that never failed to comfort him.
"See you when I see you."

He had to close the door somehow.
After all, there weren't much to invest in.
It would be a shame to dive in a murky water where the treasure chest is intangible.
But closing this door wasn't going to be any easier than opening it.
He bet on his last cigarette that she must have given it a thought.

His eyes lingered on her beautiful face.
He wished he never have to remove, as it gave him the good feeling by doing so.
His mind and heart raced, busting one another, seeking one line that would give him conclusion.
He couldn't find any.

But he knew, that he would be missing something in the morning.
And the next mornings.
Until they meet again.

2008-12-08T13:35:00.004+07:00

My birthday is just around the corner.

I know, I'm getting older...
Counting the days, each one of them drew retrospective visuals at me, as for me to ponder about and look back.

I really wanted to say I was happier back then.
But I know that's not the truth.
Happiness is non tangible gifts we take for granted.
We long for it, we even crave it but when it jumps in our path, we run off and then mourn its passing.

I'm basically a loner (I guess most Capricorns are).
There are times when I explode like fireworks, but once in awhile I just retreat without any notice.

I get easily bored (like most of us are).
I screw things up when things going well.
Perfect is an irony on its own.

And to help smooth out the process of pondering about and looking back, along came countless cups of coffee with angel wings (and whole loads of pretense).
I confess that I miss few things in my life.
Petty essentials that used to keep me alive.

I miss the late night walks,
Musing around and about,
Believing in my own feeling,
Perceiving things as they are,
Doing things without even thinking,
Euphoric burst of seeing something from different perspective for the first time…
... And more often than not, I miss that elusive warm fuzzy feeling I get whenever I see a face.

It's just that I have yet to see that face.

I wish they weren't just coffee spills.
So hard to wash off, yet so easily forgotten.
I have lost my manual book somewhere.

In just about every story, this is the perfect time when an angel comes along to help me out.
But since Heaven had ran out of angels, I guess I’d just have to line up the queue and wait and wait and wait.

Until birthdays are expired,
Until the date hits the sheets,
Until the fat lady sings…

Coffee, anyone?

*I don't know about Heaven, but I believe in angels - Max Payne*

2008-11-20T01:50:00.001+07:00

A tourist doesn't know where he's been.
A traveller doesn't know where he's going.

And now, I'm lost...

In me.
In you.

In Buscemi.
In that glass of martini.

2008-11-03T20:51:00.001+07:00

Gw susah tidur.
Dari kecil sampai sekarang, gw susah banget untuk tidur di waktu yang benar.
Bukan cuma itu, kalopun udah tidur, gw gak bisa nyampe tahap deep sleep.
Sangat jarang gw tidur pulas dan bangun pagi tanpa mimpi apa-apa.
Yang gw alami setiap hari biasanya lucid dreams.

Mimpi-mimpi gw abstrak dan bisa gw atur storylinenya, tergantung gw lagi mikir apa dan pengen gimana.
Menyenangkan sih sebenarnya, macem main second life gitu.
Gw pernah coba macem-macem ni, dari dengar musik, lavender spray, lilin-lilin, baca, minum susu, minum obat tidur, think loads of thoughts (yes I was that desperate)... Anything lah asal bisa tidur.
Preferably sebelum jam 2.
Kebanyakan dari metode-metode tersebut, gagal.
Dan akhirnya gw pasrah.
Nulis aja, siapa tau bisa dapet storyline lucu.

Kalo semua berjalan mulus, gw bisa tidur lama. Bahkan kalo kebangun, gw paksa tidur lagi biar mimpi gw berseri.
Tapi kalo lagi nggak terlalu oke ceritanya ( biarpun gw jadi scriptwriter, semua tgantung directornya kan?) CUT! And that was it, liburan ke Seychelles gw pudar dan tiba-tiba jadi scene yang gak enak. Kantor..... Lalu gw akan milih bangun biarpun masih jam 4 pagi.
Kalo skenarionya ok banget, gw bangun dengan happy. Intens banget, bangun dengan capek.
Macem jalan-jalan aja.
Malah ada yang gw tunggu-tunggu di waktu tidur.

Pernah gw crita ke beberapa orang. Ada aja yang bilang gw gak bahagia dan berusaha lari dari kenyataan.
But once you have the issue eversince you start remembering things, you'd just have to find a way out!

Gw gak inget juga kapan tepatnya susah tidur dan lucid dreams ini dimulai.
Tapi dari sebelum masuk SD gw ingat gw udah mulai punya experience ini.
Hmmm mungkin waktu tinggal di Singapore. Scara gw inget gw mulai susah tidur karena kamar gw jauh abis dari kamar orang tua gw.
Mulai sering mimpi tentang rumah kakek nenek gw.
Mulai berasa aneh karena gw sadar gw ngimpi dan scenenya bisa gw ganti-ganti.
Mulai menikmati, karena asik banget!

Anyway, barusan gw lg browsing dan menemukan satu blog.
Orang yang ternyata punya masalah yang sama dengan gw!
Gak tau ni orang dimana, siapa, tapi gw ngerasa relate banget ama blognya.
Dia crita juga soal lucid dreamsnya dia dan remedy apa aja yang dia pernah coba.
Menyenangkan, jadi gak berasa sendirian!

Sampai sekarang gw gak pernah menganggap ini penyakit.
Issue, iya. Tapi mungkin memang gw gak mau berhenti.
Gw gak bisa bayangin kalau gw harus berhenti tidur larut malam dan ber-lucid dreams ria!

Good night, sleep tight!

2008-08-23T02:18:00.005+07:00

And....

And came one cool morning, the first day after the long sigh.
I walked briskly as if to catch up with the dusty winds again.
While I caught only his words, scattered along with the dead leaves.

And then I walked relentlessly to the evening that follows after.
I took a quick shower, in an attempt to take the day off.
While I was soaping all over, I wish I could rub him off like dirt.

And then I couldn't say no to the beautiful thought that drops once in awhile.
Then I confess... I miss him in some sort of strange ways.

And then I couldn't stop myself from smiling.
And it's because I couldn't get his picture out of the frame.
The frame is my brain.

And I would be formulating a simple calculation, with a hope that it could be even simpler so I should just skip this step.

But it's never been that simple.
Because I know I would be falling all over again everytime I see his face.

And as our lips touched on the day after, we'll both agree that other things just don't matter anymore.

*accompanied with fade - solu music feat. kimblee, to a good friend who's now sitting helpless on the crossroad*

2008-08-13T01:15:00.002+07:00

So, since the connection has been reset....

.... can I still be yours?

2008-08-02T02:22:00.001+07:00

So after a hard day, a presentation out of office and few conversations following a supposedly refreshing cup of yirgacheffe...
I am seriously unsatisfied but seriously, I am tired.

I should be feeling contended yet refreshed by now, and not drained.
I should want to crawl to my dusty bed right now, although I really crave your vacant body and I'd never lie about that.
I wish I can drip myself happy right now, instead I feel empty.
I wish I could feel something right now... anything, yet I feel nothing.

Over this cup of kalosi, I begin to wonder.
Am I currently taking a vacation in life, or am I pretending I'm someone else?

If only I can flip through the pages and rewrite things the way I want, but we both know it's just a wishful thinking.
But then again, if I'm able to do that, I might still be feeling empty and I'd rather have the greener side of the fence.

If I just drift off to sleep, will I ever get to choose the dream channel that I want like you would a jukebox machine.
And I can dance to the tune for as long as I want and change the slots to whatever I want.

It's like being trapped in someone else's body.
Someone predictable (oh so disgusting!)
Where is the old me?

I could fill up this page with nonsense writing until dawn says hello.
Because sleeping has gotten me bored.
This is quite surprising since sleeping used to be better than daydreaming
But since the difference has gone as thin as your wallet, let's just forget about that.

If I count to ten,
will this ever end?

I am seriously unsatisfied but seriously, I am tired.
Is it time to cut down my intake of coffee?
No, it's time to hit the sheets.

Yes.

2008-07-29T23:00:00.005+07:00

A friend spilled out a story to me just recently.
Of course, the confession ended with the usual "Please don't tell this to everyone."
I promised her I wouldn't, although I had to admit that her story is quite unique.
I really like the storyteller a lot as she's been a great friend.
Her case was something I can really relate to (and I secretly wish happen to me someday hahahaha).
She completed her full story by lamenting that one of her close circle broke the vow and purposefully squeezed the juice out of one plump fruit labelled "Secret".

Apparently that person don't read labels.
But even if the person do, they forget the terms of usage on others' feelings.
Those people just don't care.
They comprehend that everything can be forgiven since we're humans and we're allowed to make mistakes.
Quoting a friend's saying that "One time is mistake, second time and forth is just habit."
Those people wouldn't want to learn their lesson.

Just weeks ago, I happened to step into the same shit.
It all started with meeting like minded people.
When we hang out couple of times, I thought we're friends.
When we hang out on a regular basis, then we began swapping stories, we've become close friends.
Yes yes, me so shallow I know.

Only later I discovered the point that the reason we hang out with was just because it was so fun, or because we have to, or - this is so pathetic - we didn't have anywhere else to go.
Right after the milk & honey period was gone, I realized that we just don't click.
I don't swear by the same belief as they do and I can't stand being a fake.
At that point, one of my long time friend confided me, "You will only have a handful of friends in life. But they are for real."

Sure there are people that you can never trust.
And there are people who betray others.
People who never meant to keep their promises.
Those are people you thought you knew.
For the longest time you can remember.

Well, back to the confession girl again now.
She mentioned that she cut her so-called friends off - over her second pack of cigarettes and she told me earlier she's cutting down on cigarettes.
At a moment I thought that was so cruel.
But then again, I remembered that I did that too - probably, others did me as well but I'm just too ignorant to get the message.
I just don't want to be your friend.

Now why so serious?

2008-07-12T04:57:00.000+07:00

Satu minggu yang padat.
Perempuan itu perlahan menyesap wine dari gelasnya.
Pikirannya menerawang jauh, menembus dinding - dinding berlapis akustik ruangan itu, setelah sebelumnya berdebat kusir dengan drum elektronik yang meledak - ledak di kuping.
Entah dimana pikirannya, yang pasti tidak sedang bersama badannya.
Mendadak dia memperhatikan jari tangannya.
Kapan terakhir manikur? Kapan terakhir kali memanjakan diri sendiri?

Sekelompok lelaki dan perempuan di sekelilingnya semua berdiri, sudah menjadi autis dalam permainan sinkronisasi gerakan dengan letupan drum dan bas elektronik.
Kelebatan cahaya warna warni semakin memantapkan usaha mereka.

Si perempuan juga autis, dengan jari tangannya yang sungguh jorok.
Bukan hanya manikur.
Perempuan itu rindu dengan sebuah rasa yang sudah lama pergi.
Rindu awal dari rasa itu, kelokan jalannya, hingga naik turunnya.
Sudah lama rasa itu enggak ada, dan belum ada tanda - tanda kehadirannya.

Kapan terakhir gue merasa seperti itu?
Sudah lama sekali gue enggak bersentuhan dan berangkulan dengan rasa itu.
Damn, gue hampir lupa seperti apa rasanya.
Duh memikirkan ini malah membikin gue jadi marah.
Gue enggak tau apa yang gue mau. Damn! Kok jadi makin marah!
Sialan. Tuturan hati selalu memang yang paling jujur.
Perempuan itu merangkum dalam hati.

Asap rokok menghambur ke arah perempuan itu.
Menyusup matanya dengan cukup garang untuk membuatnya menoleh kesal.
Seorang lelaki berdiri di belakangnya, menghisap rokok dengan santai, menatap bartender.
"Bir bintang, satu."
Mendadak rasa marah si perempuan itu bergerak menipis dan menipis seperti asap rokok yang perlahan memudar, hingga ikut bubar jalan semua runutan yang sejak tadi menggelayut memberatinya.
Kombinasi musik dan cahaya yang begitu familiar sontak menyergap inderanya, menghasilkan sebuah rasa.
Ringan dan indah, seperti mata lelaki itu saat menatap balik si perempuan.
Perempuan itu tersenyum.
Hey kamu, bagaimana jika kita bersentuhan dan berangkulan, malam ini saja?

2008-06-01T02:20:00.002+07:00

The clock stroke 12.30 when we finally get into the bus.
We were thirsty, hungry, tired... too freakin exhausted.
It was busy hour and there were not much room in that bus.
So you sat yourself next to me, tightly together.
The fabric of our clothes created friction as the bus sped.

The bus sped.
My tummy growled loudly, and you were looking at me.
First looking startled, then laughing.
I really wanted to snack on my Mars bar but I wanted to save it for dessert I told you, so I put it back in my bag.
You were laughing still.

The bus sped.
I was wondering when would we reach the destination when I found you looking at me.
Yes. You were looking at me.
I never notice the way your eyelash swayed as you blink - wait a second, eyelash swaying? What the hell it supposed to mean?
And for awhile I thought you stop the time.

The bus sped.
As our eyes glued to each other, my heart beat faster and louder it beat the hell out of my tummy growl.
I bet you can see my flat chest pounding.
Then you leaned forward and I could count your eyelashes by then - if I wanted to.
I could smell the scent of your skin, mixture of substances and sweat but it was good.

The bus sped.
You gently touch my lips with yours, cushioning me with your softness.
I was pulled in by your passion, and the thought of doing something had never appealed so right.
Our eyelashes must've been swaying together as our lips locked to each other.
Your tongue encircled mine as if saying hello.
I was melting in your sweet, warming concoction.

The clock stroke 12.40 when we finally reach the destination.
We stepped out of the bus and just as the thought ran on my mind.
There's never a guilt in pleasure. It was pleasure, no less, there you said to me.
And let's go get something to eat was everything I managed to reply.
Although we'll never reach any destination, thank you it was lovely.

... and for that while, I thought you stop the time.

2008-04-21T22:00:00.002+07:00

A friend had just got her heart broken.
Her prince charming had brutally pushed her out of the picture.
"I'm not going to trust anyone ever again. Never."
There she made a statement - now that sounds familiar!
She was the one glowing with happiness, less than a year ago, announcing that she had finally found the love of her life.
"You should, too," said her then.
How ironic.
The thing that can give you a blaze of glory can also wash you off the sink in no time.
But hey, we've all been there right?

There were those moments when I sank my head - and heart - so low and vowed the same I'm-not-going-to-trust-anyone-again.
But trust had always been an issue for me ever since I was a child and so vow or no vow, it would always been a big wall standing between me and the world.
And of those painfully beautiful stories I've wrote, I admit I miss them....
Oh and yes, by saying never, we are actually expecting something to happen, although we don't want to admit it, of course.

Yes. My heart had been broken few times before, but it's still beating and improvising.
From what I remember, we can't choose the one we're falling in love with.
We can't say "Ok, I'm ready. Let's go fall in love."
There are too many people, too many stories, too many paths to choose from.
We'd spend time with each of them unsuspectingly, playing around a bit and then suddenly we did it.
We fell for a special someone, without any notice.
If it's mutual then we must have hit the jackpot.
If we're lucky, they would never leave us.
In our luckiest, they would never fall in love with anyone else again.
But the stories are always random.

And since those things that didn't kill us would only make us stronger, we get to choose a story again.
And if it fails (again), we'll find ourselves cursing and making those I'm-not-going-to-trust-anyone-ever-again.
And then history will repeat itself, again and again.
Perpetually, if we let it to be.
Unfortunately the stop button isn't ours.

On the bright side, it can't rain all the time.
But for now, just grab your coat, sweetie... that's all you can do.

solitaire

2008-04-15T20:31:00.000+07:00

it was one of her quick escape.
after work.
after those activities of extra curricular she couldn't care less - but those are social obligatory, mind you...
long day indeed.

she exhaled a thick smoke.
work and its extra curricular had bound her with life warrant.
a thought crossed her mind if she really was belong to everyone but herself.
but was I ever belong to anyone? she uttered a question to herself.
nobody replied of course, since she was alone in that place.

back to the her question.
it's like a paradox.
she hated being in love with everyone.
and she hated herself when she's not.

it's a guilty pleasure, like a cigarette smoke.
she quickly glanced to the evidence at hand.
something she regularly despise but once in a while she craves it like crazy.
that sweet sting, the feeling of feeling nothing.
the excitement equals to mucking around a drawer looking for something you don't even know.
and what is this world that is hastening me toward I know not what, viewing me with contempt?
nothing. it's just reality, really.
she inhaled deeply before letting out a cloudy smoke.

she had to admit, though, that the smoke had gotten into her eyes for so long she had forgotten what it was back then.
the fabricated happiness had erased fragments of her favorite recollection.
top of her playlist was dreamwalking bare feet on the sand,
with scorching hot sun nestled on the canopy of achingly clear sky.
blissful.
ah. if only she could recreate what her sense were having by then.

anyway, can't complain... she smiled to herself.
after all it's much better than living a lie.
she crushed the cigarette butt to the ground.
and yes... she had chosen the ground she's standing onto.
yes it's ugly and cold, but it's also solid and stable.

cool wind shuffled her hair playfully,
as the icy breeze licking her nape deliberately.
she didn't have to check upon the sky to know that rain is approaching near.
just one more cigarette and then let's call it a night, there she made her decision.

2008-04-05T20:00:00.001+07:00

It's true that the right scent transports us anywhere we want, puts us in the right mood, recreates the magic (or tragic?) moment, even drives us to the destination sensation just by having a sniff of it.
Yes. The right scent simply turns us on.

Like what you just did tonight.
Leaving your signature scent on my skin while we exchange kisses on the cheek ever so casually.
The perfect mixture of perfume, tobacco and the sensual scent of your skin.
And everytime I shook head, you're everywhere nearby..

2008-04-03T16:37:00.003+07:00

Little vacation.

The girl lit up the tea light candle quietly.
Scent of her favorite rose bouquet wafted through the air.
She inhaled, slowly, laying herself on her bed.
Then the scent started to trace a hint of another composition.
A niche composition that matches hers.
She smiled as her eyes wide shut.

Fabricated happiness.
No, not really fabricated anyway, she frowned.
A sanctuary, yes, she smiled to herself.
Yes, when you can't afford to have the tropical sojourn you've been dreaming of,
you can always have those little vacation instead.

When you longed for a pause after awhile,
and you knew you have yet opened one pandora box on your closet upstairs.
Yes, it kept on haunting you, like lust wildly abandoned.
Teasing you with its playful tone & manner.
You knew you just have to indulge.
And then up the stairs you ran, with passion you never thought you had in you.
As you flung your closet, a cool breeze waved past you, down to your spine.
The box fell open, your soul refreshed, your senses were delightfully spoilt.
And by that time you knew, you've had just had your vacation.

She opened her eyes again.
Her cellphone beeped one incoming message.
"Am reminiscing. I really like the way you kiss."

It was the guy she met on the vacation.
A newfound sanctuary.
She smiled as she floated herself into a dream.
A new day will emerge.
And she can't hardly wait for that.

2008-03-23T02:00:00.002+07:00

2 months off

an ex file with excess baggage (a.k.a. emotional dumps) recently filed a complaint.
by saying this, he's way past the 2-months-late period.

I've been told that things work better when they're a bit dirty.
like I know hair and eye make up are way sexier when they're a bit messy.
like the way a sharp ironed shirt were after a hard day and hard play ;)

but when goods hit their expiration date, they're good no more, sweetay.
so just spare all those flowers and candy.

I'm telling you this so you can save your cute ass,
and that might also save faces.

I'm never proud of my past,
I don't want to start having any regrets.

it's not that I'm not friendly.
but we were never friends, so what's with all the fuss?

2008-03-06T02:57:00.000+07:00

Jam 5.55 sore.
Bukan waktu yang paling tepat buat pulang.
Terutama dalam gelimpangan hujan sederas ini.
Mencari taksi saja sudah cukup jadi satu PR sendiri, belum macetnya.
Tapi rasa capek dan ngantuk ini makin memantapkan objective gue untuk sampai rumah, segera.

Untungnya sih enggak perlu sampai berlama - lama mencari, gue langsung dapat taksi.
Nah, satu rintangan sudah terlewati.
Baru satu tentunya, karena gue masih harus bergumul dengan kemacetan di jalanan.

Sepuluh menit.
Lima belas menit.
Berasa sekali senti per senti yang bergerak dalam hitungan menit.
Sebenarnya lumayan sih, jadi punya waktu membalas SMS yang sudah hampir seminggu berjejal di inbox.
"Lo kemana aja sih? Ngilang!"
"Javajazz?"
"Jd, gmn? ;)"

Teng!
Klakson mobil yang mendadak sontak pas disebelah kuping memecah konsentrasi gue.
Menyebalkan.
Tapi gue jadi menengok ke luar, melewati jendela.

Warna langit sehabis hujan itu indah banget.
Tetesan hujan yang menepi di kaca jendela makin menguatkan rona warnanya.
Bulir - bulir air bergelayutan, seperti menahan diri untuk tetap berada di tempatnya.
Sebagian dari mereka akhirnya menyerah, lalu bergabung menjadi satu sebelum akhirnya jatuh bersama - sama.

Tiba - tiba saja gue jadi menahan napas.
Jari gue yang sejak tadi asik scrolling deretan SMS lama ternyata berhenti pada satu nama.
Dan butiran hujan yang perlahan membias semburat oranye semakin terlihat indah.
I know, I'm going to miss you.

2008-02-22T19:30:00.000+07:00

I think, there must be a great reason behind the "If someone have a good reason to refuse this union, speak now or remain silent forever" in every weddings.

damn it.

I would kill to have you for one day now...

2008-02-18T02:43:00.001+07:00

E

What do you want?
Too many of those lines hammering down on me for sometimes.
I can't even remember when was the last time I ask to myself - What do I really want?

What do I want?
I have no idea.

Might be overly exaggerating, but yes I'm a people pleaser.
I'd put all the crumbs together in a recycled brown bag just to see someone smiling, knowing that what I want to do was to feed those crumbs to the goldfish or maybe to eat them myself.

I scraped the leftovers off their plate when they had enough with it.
I listened to the same music, over and over again, because I thought I had to.
When people invited me over, I can't say no even if I hate them like I hate flies.
When someone asked, "Are you happy?" I nodded diligently.
Strings of negative remarks crossed over me, but I couldn't let others feeling down.
Just can't.

And then it became a burden.
Something burst inside. Something I thought wasn't there.
Emptiness.
Then I began questioning - Am I happy? Am I pleased? Who am I tonight?
When I was so busy trying to take care of them all and keep everyone happy, I know I'm not taken care of. And definitely unhappy.

Once someone remarked, "You just can't say no to people, do you?"
It was like a wake up call to me.

What have I done?

I think.
I'm going to put all those crumbs together and just eat them all.
I might going to get sick, might regret it later.
But please just stop bringing rubbish in.
You might want to dust it off yourself later because I want to kill those excessive cybils.

And for everything else, I couldn't care less.

I've forgotten some of the most important things that really matter.
Those freckles and debris and confetti I really want.
I must rearrange and regroup the right items back together.
But in order to do that, I must shut down.

For awhile.

Now be quiet and let me enjoy my breakfast.

2008-02-13T02:01:00.000+07:00

arms tangled.
lips intertwined.

wishes scattered.
hearts mangled.

in my mind, only you reside.

2008-02-12T03:01:00.000+07:00

part one

once upon a time,
in the city lived a happy girl.
she loved her life and everything about it.
things were fabulous with all bunch of roses.

until one day,
a shining star shattered right in her face.
she didn't notice until the spatter hits her delicate face.
she then realized she had been walking blind all the time.
all the time.
the happy girl turned sappy.

she stopped to look around her.
routine is like rust.
routine had put her in such cage she denied, although she admitted she had walked in willingly long time ago.

she lived well.
but she hadn't live her dream yet.
or was it someone else's dream?
she couldn't tell anymore...

routine is like rust.
she had walked off the path for so long,
she couldn't even recognize herself.
for a moment she thought her alter ego, her beast, had completely taken over her.
the story of dorian gray must be true then.
when she faced the mirror, she found her beautiful self against a wrinkled, greying old lady who had her eyes.

she wanted to smash the mirror into pieces but it would be unjust.
she couldn't remember when exactly.
but she could remember letting out her fears and disappointment, in those tears she let fall.
and she could remember herself smiling, not just laughing.

she wanted a fermina daza story, not just writing one.
she wanted a valentine, not just dreaming of one.
she wanted to walk in the light again, not wandering blind alone.
and she wanted somebody to hold her hand in the light, not just groping them in the dark.

her mind was too cluttered with so many things,
she couldn't find any twist.
she only knew that she needed to confess.
only then a new story will begin.

*to all my good friends who are in search of the sunrise. no matter how dark it is, don't worry. it will come eventually =) *

2008-02-10T16:00:00.000+07:00

adlibs.

so much for putting on a show.
you're not the purest form of being, so just stop playing angel because we've seen what's underneath.
I can't remember how many faults I have put on, and I can't remember yours, either.
but let's just forget about everything.

of all the dreadful hours I've run into,
of all those painful pill I've kept in the box,
of all those harsh detail I'd never let you see,
of all those made up words I've suggested for a smile,
of all those wrong strikes you've played in the field,
you've just put a home run.
let's just stop running around.
the field is closed.

2008-01-30T00:41:00.000+07:00

My week in horoscope tells me that I'm going to have a great week : "Feeling stronger, sexier, and more capable and adventurous than should be legal. So even though your first inclination might be to freak out and question everything, don't."

Hmmm.
Freaking out and questioning everything have always been my inclination towards everything.
Hmmm.
The astrologers must be good. They understand the chain of reaction.

"Just embrace it. But remember not to spread yourself too thin — when you're straddling lots of things at once, something's bound to fall by the wayside."

Oh wow.
Now they read anonymous minds.

Now I wonder if they do predictions too.

2008-01-21T22:25:00.000+07:00

She put down her cigarette butt on an ashtray nearby.
Waving the excessive smoke away, her eyes involuntarily scanned her surroundings.

She let out a long sigh, and then a chuckle.
It was 2 AM, somewhere in mid January.
So much for new year resolutions...
She began to wonder if it's just her pride or was it an addiction... or a mere craving.
Of something, she added with a smirk.

"Hey.."
His voice disheveled her thoughts into strays.

"Hey.."
She replied flatly.

A long, lean arm intertwined with hers, another caressing her hips.
His and hers, she quickly made a sum, as they were before.
His two lips soon joining in, grazing her bare skin as if smoothing through flower petals.
"God I worship every inches of you..."
His voice was now thicker, filled with passion.
His unshaven parts of face playfully brushed her tummy, sending her ticklish joy that she had always loved.
She crumbled as he reached her elusive slopes.

"You must go now."
She couldn't believe what she had just heard.
Neither could him, a frozen frame staring in disbelief.
He wished he could give her any good reason, instead he was just there sitting numb with her staring back at him. Hard.

"So much for a reunion..." he mumbled.
He casually grabbed his PDA, consulting on whatever things he missed while the world turning without him in.

"So much for a resolution..." she mumbled.
She was fumbling with her belongings, looking for one item in particular.
She was about to curse when his voice broke down the search.

"One for my baby..." he insinuated, having the evidence of the matter with him.
"One more for the road?"

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*sadao watanabe's any other fool playing, again and again in my empty mind...*

2007-12-05T02:10:00.001+07:00

duh.

demanding daytime job, endless nighttime play; getting my mind to work at wee hours, getting personal with endless supply of coffee and cigarettes; having problem of waking up early, having fun with friends online; deleting unnecessaries out, squeezing in time for the ones I care about, losing my mind, losing myself.

although I'm sure I've put everything in its place, still something is missing...

it is you ;)

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*chuck love's beautiful thang took me to you and your mischievous grin tonight baby!*

2007-11-30T14:52:00.000+07:00

when was the last time you...

... caught up letting your guard down?
... surrender to that thing?
... mesmerized by its wonders?
... feel what you mean?
... mean what you say?

... make love?

... fall in love?

you're lost.
I know.

*a summary from one lunchtime conversation at plaza bapindo this day and an afternoon online conversation with a sweetie. too much to invest, too risky*

2007-11-22T15:54:00.000+07:00

"... mengundang Bapak dan Ibu di hari bahagiia putra putri kami..."

ah.
ada mistype di undangan pernikahanmu.

ndak apa kan?
yang penting kamu bahagia.

2007-11-20T16:43:00.001+07:00

she stepped out of the sushi joint.
what a lovely meal it had been.
it was her favorite sushi joint indeed hence every visit pulled her to a satisfactory state - not just mere eatery, it's an experience.
an experience, she repeated after herself.

she looked up to the sky.
grand and serene as if it was still asleep.
it was dark but she could tell that rain will arrive anytime soon.
"let's race to the car."
it was almost like him whispering to her that night.
she smiled.
it had been quite a long time since the last time she walked home.

the streets were shimmering with light, as if contrasting with their dark opponent surrounding.
oh how she loved the streets at this hour.
her feet stabbing onto the rustic tar,
carefully swaying out of holes and moulds and every single of them tells a story.
the air was cool yet languid, as if welcoming her back to its home.
its breeze licked her bare nape, swiveling down her neck, gently, playfully like a lover would.
"this is the way it should be."
she could hear him whispering to her through the breezy wind.
the smell of fresh breeze, vaporing rain that soon coming down tickled her nostrils, a reminiscent of his signature scent.

she counted how many lamp post she had passed.
she counted how many days it had been.
and she thought of what might have been.
him, her, them.

she scanned every signage she had passed.
words and colors were crumbling inside, transforming themselves into some sort of images that floated over the canopy in her mind.
she was composing love notes that she would only keep for herself later on.
they won't be shared until she find reason to share them with.

"can I see you now? I miss you..."
as one particular brand of car swayed past her.
she frowned in the verge of an intersection.

a droplet of rainwater touched her cheeks, another softly touched her lips.
she looked up and found that sky was saying hello to her.
droplets of rainwater chasing one another, as in marathon.
rain was gently drizzling on her, soaking her head, shoulders, feet, mind, heart.
rain was pouring its sensual touch in the most lyrical way.
like a lover's touch, she took note while licking her lips.

she was waiting for the red light.
what irony, since all her life she had waited for the green light.

it was 11, and the streets were quite empty.
the city was getting ready for bed, whatever affair they might have.
lights were illuminated, blinding her with their charm.
the serene, cold surroundings as if to mimic her heart.

she was halfway crossing the road when the light had already turned to green.
but she didn't feel the need to rush.
she might have catch a cold, but she wouldn't mind.
she laughed at that thought.

it was another lousy monday and she just wanted a blissful ending.
an experience nonetheless.
like the way the rain awashed her soul anew.
"your soul is the most beautiful of all..."
she couldn't help but smile.

"thanks for walking with me."
she whispered to the city.

nobody replied.

*the temptations' night and day while dreamwalking somewhere in Jakarta, one blissful monday evening*

2007-11-19T00:14:00.001+07:00

two invitations from two different book I thought locked up in my drawer.

one was never a book after all.
it's just a nice short story of long awaited lust consumed overnight.
nothing much to remember except for that the sweet, honeyed feeling afterwards.
we got back in track, writing our own stories without intersecting one another after that.
it was quite a surprise when I receive an invitation from him ;)

well about the other one.
it is a beautiful, never ending story I would never forget for all time.
the first paragraph started as the ink allowed... (and God forbid, hahaha)
as the story flowed, anyone bothered to read the story would know how lovely it was.
to put it short, it was cinderella story fell in love with his prince.

but wait a minute, I don't want to put this short!
because the story was complex, lengthy, bittersweet... cinderella didn't even let any other suitor looked inside her locket, for the prince had fulfilled every single dreams of hers.
the prince had woven any single strands into gold weave, the prince was her home.
but the prince was just a human being and a disaster took place and undo button wasn't there to get things back the way it used to be.
cinderella thought the story has ended.

cinderella had closed the book, forgetting about it for awhile until one day she's cleaning up her room and found the book again, covered with dust yet it was still giving her heart the familiar jolts...
she opened the book and started reading and writing for the second time.
but the goods had reached its expiration date.
the prince was still that prince who weave strands to gold, but he wouldn't be her home any longer.
she wasn't even cinderella any longer (she had become a carrie bradshaw then, hahaha)

yet the story continued...
until today she received an invitation from the prince.
that she's cordially invited to his ball, a wedding celebration.
she loves the prince nonetheless, knowing that he would be her prince always.
she had loved the prince on the night they met, where he took her to three random places at one go ;)
she might come to the ball, but even if she couldn't make it, she would be sending prayers and happy thoughts to the prince.
for a life happily ever after.

two invitations are open.
and two closed books are now sealed tight in the box.

*phil collins' somewhere serenades a happy ending to a prince. just want to speak for the last time before I have to remain silent forever.*

2007-11-17T23:31:00.000+07:00

+ remember you told me that you've locked your heart and throw away the keys?

- yes, why?

+ I think I've just stumbled upon that key...

*java jive's gerangan cinta playing to one encounter at central jakarta*

2007-11-11T16:27:00.000+07:00

it sucks whn we're this close n I can't reach out 4 u :(

*beep*
message sent.

*beep*
message delivered.

*beep*
1 new message.

sorry hun. u kno y :( I'll make it up 2 u tmrw k? :-*

2007-11-08T11:18:00.000+07:00

anywhere but here

it was just another loud party.
ashley beedle spinned like mad, audience responded, gyrated like they were being drugged - well they were, actually...

amidst the crowd, a girl slouched sloppy on the couch.
alone, and she felt so lonely.
around her were human beings drinking, smoking, interacting, laughing, grinding to one another,
but she was just too occupied with her own mind.
and that very own mind had kept busy with linear thoughts of a memoir.

she shook her head, hopefully that gesture will shake unwanted images off her head.
it didn't.
she sighed.
she wished she was someplace else.
anywhere but here, a whisper occured in her thoughts.

no, not really anywhere.
anywhere within his embrace, honestly.
for he was her sanctuary.

ah. sanctuary.
she could recall a sojourn that went wholeheartedly.
there was one time when they lazily spend the whole day on the bed.
and the whole night roaming freely, banging anywhere in the room...
at dawn they took a rest, smoking by the french window, naked.
he smiled to her slyly and his feet were caressing hers gently.

there was also another time when they just couldn't hold it back at a party.
he had sworn he was seeing rare constellation in the sky, through the ceiling.
she couldn't care less for she was too busy riding him.
the heavy knocking and heavy shouting outside were lapelled, sound proofed by their sweet sighs.

and there were several others that could make her moan by just recalling them.

"here's your apple martini."
a voice came, abruptly crushing her memoirs down into the sands of time.
she looked up.
it was just a guy she went to this loud party with.
a supossedly decent guy who just couldn't pull it off somehow.
the guy was handing out her preference of drink.
she thanked him with a forlorn smile.

"are you ok?"
he asked her, quite frankly.

she had wanted to say no.
but she just bit on her lips and nod.

her precious memoirs had been crushed down into the sands of time.
back to where it belonged.

it was just another loud party with another guy,
and she was lonely once again.

2007-10-16T23:21:00.000+07:00

heaven's on fire

perempuan itu mengetuk - ngetuk lighter pada meja.
sudah dari lima menit yang lalu sih.
matanya tak juga berpaling dari benda kecil tersebut.
bukan karena lighter itu menarik, tentu saja tidak.
mengetuk lighter pada meja juga bukan pekerjaan yang menarik tentunya.
tidak.
perempuan itu hanya tak berani menatap lelaki yang ada di depannya.

sialan.
sudah berapa lama dia memendam perasaan itu dan mengikatnya kuat - kuat di dalam?
aneh rasanya.
tapi tentu saja tak mau dia membuka ikatan itu sedikit sekalipun.
malu. tak yakin. merasa percuma. entahlah.

dia menikmati keberadaannya bersama lelaki itu.
entah menikmati ethiopian yirgacheffe bersama,
membaca dalam kesunyian,
hingga bersentuhan, bercengkraman dalam cahaya terang, di atas ranjang...
entah kenapa lelaki itu mampu membuatnya nyaman.
bahkan disaat mereka tak berkata - kata sedikitpun.

rasanya nyaman, bisik perempuan itu dalam hati.
ya seperti sekarang ini, saat mereka duduk saling berhadapan,
si perempuan berfantasi bersama murakami.
si lelaki tenggelam dalam tolstoy.
satu persatu kadang mengepulkan asap, membakar paru - paru,
dan nanti mungkin membakar nafsu, lanjut perempuan itu masih dalam hati.
dikatupnya bibirnya rapat agar tak terlihat senyum tipisnya.

tak mau perempuan itu merusak hubungan ini.
sudah cukup lama juga ditahannya kuat - kuat rasa yang mulai menyeruak itu.
yang sesungguhnya, ia hanya ingin memeluk lelaki itu dan mengatakan sesuatu kepadanya.
tapi buat apa ya? pikirnya miris.
jika hubungan ini rusak... entahlah. tak mau dia membayangkannya.

hubungan ini sudah sempurna sebagaimana mestinya, tak perlu lagi ditambah - tambah, seperti masakan, yang ada malah keasinan, atau terlalu matang.
tapi, sampai kapan ia bisa kuat?
rasa itu semakin lama semakin keras membebatnya, memeluknya erat, mungkin lebih erat dari pelukan lelaki itu saat bersamanya.
semakin lama membuatnya pusing, perlahan menguasai pikirannya.
setengah mati ia menahannya, semakin susah rasanya!
entah sampai kapan...
dan entah jika ini akan berakhir...

"sudah? mau pulang?"
itu tadi suara si lelaki yang menyadarkannya kembali.
tiba - tiba saja mata si perempuan itu terasa panas.
tapi entah kenapa rasanya justru sedikit lebih lega.

lelaki itu mengulurkan jarinya, menyapu lelehan hangat dari bawah mata si perempuan.

"ngantuk ya?"
sedikit lirih.

"agak," jawab si perempuan, "sebentar lagi lah."
aku masih belum mau pulang...

*luke - heaven's on fire menyapa lamunan. semakin aku merindukanmu kekasih gelapku...*

2007-10-08T00:40:00.000+07:00

cruising

"what would you like to hear?"
the guy asked, hand cluctching his ipod, fingers busy seeking tracks.
"I know you love this one."
he decidedly make a choice.

the girl was indifferent.
there were those times when this track has its meaning.
and that night wasn't one of those.
she sighed, how many wrongs does it take to make it right?

particularly when wrongs come in packaging like this.
by saying this, she was refferring to such package next to her.
whole loads screaming goodness.
and a guarantee to elevate them to the gods, at least for that night.

the butterflies were still flying inside her,
only in the wrong direction.
no they weren't in her heart nor tummy, they were surely someplace else.
she concealed a chuckle through a yawn.

streets of love were shimmering with gold.
she prayed for the rain to wash everything down.
she wondered how many wrongs will it take to make it right?
would this ever turn right?

the guy leaned towards her.
"so can I kiss you now?" was out as if he wanted to make it proper.
she soon learned that his lips were soft.
when their mouths adjoined it was warm, wet and mushy she thought of chocolate mud cake.

streets of love were awashed with passion.
everything in all the world seemed right, at least for that night.

*al jarreau's after all as we turned right, outerskirt Jakarta*

2007-10-06T18:39:00.000+07:00

hey there lonely girl

the guy rolled away, lying on his back.
picking up a cigarette and lighted it with his sweaty fingers,
he started to smoke.
over the first puff he popped a question,
"will you regret this?"

the girl was smoothing down beads of perspiration on her forehead while it took.
she shook her head instantly, managing to let out a "why would I?"

he tilted his head so they were facing each other.
he would be saying something nice but he refrain from it.

she gazed into his eyes, as if searching for something there.
when she's assured she finds it not, she looked away.
stealing his cigarette, inhaling deeply those deadly nicotine particles.
saying over a puff, "this is not what I'm looking for."

he moved his limbs closer to her, lightly brushing his toes on hers.
he laid his head next to hers.
"what is it that you're looking for?", almost a whisper.

she finished down his cigarette.
puffing excessively, as if nervous.
she paused. took a deep breath.
"I'm waiting for that moment...", hesitated, then "... to fall in love."

he shook his head. his gaze without depth.
a perplexed "you know I can't." was produced.
his toes froze, away from hers.

she looked at him.
"wasn't looking in you, dear." was her reply.
"when we don't find something we're looking for, we're open to negotiate.
to settle for less. like this."

he watched as she held the cigarette down to the ashtray.
he held her close, vis a vis.
he could tell that there was certain sadness in her eyes,
but she would betray that by any means.
so he planted his mouth in hers, as if to soothe her.
she replied back, spooning his tongue, smothering him with passionate swirls.
abruptly she broke the act.
"I need to pee." was her excuse to go the bathroom.

the underlying reason was just because she had to hide that tear forming in her eyes.

*from phil perry's "hey there lonely girl" and a broken down room somewhere in southern Jakarta*

2007-09-26T02:13:00.001+07:00

aku ingin menyisir legian lagi.

aku rindu lembut pasirnya,
walau sempat menajam di kulit kakiku.

aku juga rindu riak airnya,
yang jelas - jelas mengotori kuku, tapi betul aku rindu.

dan juga angin senja,
yang bermain - main dengan rambutmu.

dan juga matahari oranye yang malu - malu,
waktu membalas tantangan tatapmu.

dan darimana datangnya rasa hangat itu,
saat jari - jarimu menganyam tanganku?

dan darimana datangnya kamu? kamu siapa?
lima menit yang lalu kan kita belum ketemu!

aku ingin kembali menyisir legian.
mungkin suatu hari nanti, denganmu.

2007-09-24T17:21:00.000+07:00

I remember time when there was only a thin line between sleeping and awake.
it was when the sun hits the windows,
showering its warmth endlessly, radiantly peeking through the curtains.

I remember waking up to the smell of robust coffee from afar,
and I wasn't even tempted to blink.
because the blanket was so comfy I keep on snuggling inside with my eyes closed.

I remember when my brain was only half alert.
and then a warm company took me from behind and nuzzling my nape as well.
in my ears echoed a slurry, throaty baritone greeting me good morning.

I remember when I slowly opened my eyelids to his sleepy face.
and it felt damn so right I wondered if it was only a dream.

... ayt, it's time to get up.

2007-09-10T15:19:00.000+07:00

pas de deux

lust, you are my favorite sin of all.
with your presence, you tickle my fancy fantasy.
bless me father for I have sinned.
lead us more into temptation, here I confess.
lick me summer breeze with your everlasting passion.

escalate me heaven to the slopes of my vein.
draw me new tales of adventures on a white sheet of paper.
let's invent a new story sans regrets.
let's have something good to remember.
let's do it right now.

2007-08-31T10:21:00.000+07:00

seberapa sering elo ke mall?

kalau gue ngitungin, seminggu itu gue bisa 4 sampe 5 kali ke mall.
kalau ditanya kenapa? gue beneran enggak tau.
kenapa ya?
senin, nonton di pim.
selasa, bazar citos.
rabu, entah gimana ceritanya gue end up di ps.
kamis, lepas dari jerat konsumerisme mall ke grand melia.
jum at, yang pasti ntar makan siang di ps. malemnya, kayanya citos.
sabtu, entahlah mungkin ke mall.
minggu, gym (senayan city).

kenapa ya suka banget buang - buang uang?
kalau gue mau nyetop dikit kebiasaan ga sehat itu, mungkin gue bisa punya paket perawatan kulit clinique, lipstik mac dan rok banana republic.

kenapa ya suka banget buang - buang waktu?
orang terheran - heran sama kebiasaan ini. kenapa ga langsung pulang aja sih? ni anak nggak punya rumah apa?

udah tau berat di jeleknya, masih juga ke mall!
janjian ketemuan, mall.
nonton, udah pasti mall.
curhat - curhat, mall.
beli sabun muka, mall.
bahkan bengong dikit aja pasti ke mall.

... sakit ni gue!
mesti rehab!
duh!

2007-07-17T00:42:00.000+07:00

mulutnya bilang ga suka, lengkap dengan sumpah serapah segala.
tapi coba lihat, dia sedang apa?
oh sibuk menebar harapan dalam kata - kata manis ternyata...

katanya benci, nggak mau mengutak - atik lagi.
ternyata dari tadi sibuk cari tau, apa lagi yah yang bisa dikulik.

ngomong sih capek, sudah malas, ga ada gunanya dilanjutkan.
habis itu kembali berbaikan untuk kemudian bertangisan.

lain di hati lain di kepala lain di ucapan lain lagi di harapan.
apa maunya kamu perempuan?

2007-07-16T09:33:00.001+07:00

it's that time for that little addiction.
shite little happyness, little feeling of wholesome that I crave.
that's my idea of a little vacation.
la da dee la la.

it starts as miss foxy brown went down my throat.
yes the sweetness mixes accordingly with your saliva.
my tongue dances, rolling against yours the way the rest of us does.
la da dee la la.

when you rest your arms on my waist it feels just right.
my mind have gone travel, someplace far far away I don't even know it exists.
let's go further, let's explore, outside.
la da dee la la.

and then you whisper in suggestion, "let's take a little vacation."
hell I have never wished for anything else.
hey, thank you for saving my lonely soul tonight.
sorry what was your name again?

2007-06-25T21:27:00.000+07:00

"sampai ketemu lagi!"

padahal mungkin nggak akan ketemu lagi dengan ruangan sempit yang apek dengan space yang buat ngelurusin sikut aja nggak bisa.
mungkin nggak akan ketemu lagi dengan mereka yang mukanya kadang ditekuk kebawah kadang keatas.
mungkin nggak akan ketemu lagi dengan mereka yang ninggalin gue dengan pekerjaan rumah segabruk yang mesti kelar semalam.
mungkin nggak akan ketemu lagi dengan mereka yang selalu ada di samping gue tiap hari.
hmmmm... nanti, gimana ya rasanya?

eh kita masih akan jumpa lagi kan?
sampai ketemu lagi...

2007-06-25T21:09:00.000+07:00

goodbye. have a nice life.

there were times when fourplay means recalling your name,
and dave grusin is to recite all the words you've said.

there were times when I wishfully thought about maybe tonight,
and that passion alone could burn the city down.

there were times when mocha latte and cigarette butt spells love,
and those times were the time when you were the centrepoint of the bouquet.

there were times when you shared your dreams like it's forever,
and those moments when you unveiled your soul so it’s visible to all.

those times weren't the ones I wished I could be dreamwalkin next to you.

your coffee is now cold.

2007-06-16T23:59:00.000+07:00

you were having margarita at 4pm and it wasn't on weekend.
acompanied only with gabriel marquez and lee ritenour yet it's already a party.
your hair was a mess and your skin slightly hot to the touch.

you've forgotten the last time you won't stop grinning.
you've forgotten the last time breeze gently brushing your bare back.

just like roaming freely about the horizon while letting the seafoam bathes your feet.
or having mojito post dreamwalking with a sweetay.
or whatsoever you'll want to do, be it nice or naughty.
it's almost as great as wildly abandoned sex.
it's a bliss.

*je suis desole, sweetay!*

2007-05-01T00:36:00.000+07:00

you're drop dead sexy,
and you sort of turn me on.
yet you're so freakin dumb when it comes to dropping some drums.

you must've been b***** in the other life,
baby.

*about one piping hot sweetay, with piping hot brain it melts...*

2007-04-18T01:50:00.000+07:00

emang dimana - mana, orang yang kebanyakan mikir dan kebanyakan mau, cenderung akan bikin ribet dirinya sendiri.

udah dari sore ngeplot liburan dengan kursi gratis air asia.
begitu tinggal klik pembayaran, aduh kok tiba - tiba males pergi ya?
apa jangan - jangan ini pertanda?

abis masih lama sih...
abis ngga jelas mau ngapain sih...
abis ngga ada travel partner sih...
abis sayang juga sama duitnya sih...

sampai akhirnya flight itinerary itu pun dibatalkan, dengan terpaksa.
untuk kemudian mengecek kembali availabilitas flight tersebut!
dan itu ngga sampai sepuluh menit dari window itu ditutup...
agak kurang beruntung, karena ternyata semua kursi sudah penuh.

hmmm... ada rasa sedikit menyesal, tapi ada rasa senang juga karena nggak ada obligasi apapun.

hmmm... coba seat tadi diambil aja ya? eh tapi untung juga kok ngga ngambil, daripada kebuang percuma juga?

hmmm... besok pake baju apa ya?
eh kalo ngajak pergi besok, dia mau ngga ya?
aduh, baca ramalan bintang dulu aja kali ya!

*in a confused state of mind. of things. but mostly of you.*

2007-04-08T14:43:00.000+07:00

a hope in a jar

I'd never know that a mundane routine could turn to a classic favorite.
that you could do magic with your fingers.
and how I want to sample the taste of you,
through your divine lips and wouldn’t it be sweet.

and to take a look at the face of your soul
because when I found the base, I know I’d rest there.
eyes wide shut and lay still,
if you let me,
if only you let me.

I might be falling into grace with you,
I could be, yes I could be.
but only if you let me,
please lead me.

and I remembered the way things went,
when an experience is right in front of you, embrace it,
right away.

2007-04-04T02:57:00.000+07:00

I crave your body.

such urgency, such depravity!

2007-03-11T00:17:00.000+07:00

...
and we were walking on the narrow path, barefeet.
grass was soaked with the first break of rain and so was your face.
and our fingers were entangled altogether, warmed with each other's palm.
morning breeze sent shivers down my spine.
when I looked around, I found you looking at me.

never thought it would be like this.
never thought we'd come such a long way.
and it's like this never happened before,
but you and I both know, it's been running in our blood.

because when you run accidentally to each other,
you could easily identify that here it is, one of your species.
even without words you could say it aloud.
through the crowd of the party,
through the muted commotion.

it was dim but your eyes were alight.
it was overcast but your touch was the light.
how I wanted to say this never happened before.
for you and I both know, it's our menu du jour.

2007-03-04T22:22:00.000+07:00

entah apa yang begitu berbeda darimu.
tak pernah bosan aku menikmatimu!

apakah suara tawamu,
ataukah desah napasmu.
apakah kurva senyummu,
ataukah garis - garis halus di keningmu.
apakah letupan gaya bicaramu,
ataukah geliat buah pikirmu.
apakah rapinya gigimu,
ataukah hangatnya genggamanmu.
ah, belum lagi cerahnya sorot matamu
saat dua saling beradu...

kau begitu merasukiku, padahal biasa saja,
walau tak sama dengan yang lainnya.
kau tunjukkan sisi lain dari keindahan,
yang sebenarnya tak ada beda.
akankah kau selalu tersedia untuk menghias segalanya?
semoga saja.

*melamunkanmu, inspirasi indahku...*