My extracurricular activity has been quite sedentary for the past few weeks.
Not that I went soppy for the thought of it, on the contrary, this momentum had given me a slot to stop and think for what had been happening before the good pause.

I had so much fun for the first quarter of the year to date.
Few guesses have managed to sort themselves out and gave me one big line of thought : Am I that complicated?

Just to give you the background, one of my old flame lighted his way back to my path months ago.
It was a blast. The combination of me and him put together had always been a blast.
A very complex blast of ego and lust, if I may be honest.
All the wrong reasons to cultivate an interest towards a prospective love, don't you think?

Now before you say anything.
Aside from that old flame, there were few interests as well that I found quite interesting.
*okay carnal desires don't count so I'd like to scratch few names here, there and there...*
Good guys, with decent jobs, decent manners, nice to have conversation with... nothing was wrong with them, seriously.

I couldn’t find anything wrong or anything not to like within these guys and that put them in the wrong side of box.
Why were they so nice and simple and boring?

And I kept twisting my joints on how not to jeopardize the courting, and even new ways of wanking, just to keep my mind occupied.
Any chance to avoid my mind slipping down the track and left the rest of me blank and jones.
To them I said, “Nothing is like finding common ground to walk on. Everyone can be a good match if they allow one another to fill them completely.”
And they weren’t even standing close to the cup.
And then I would say, “I think it’s very common when people say that everyone should lower the standard if they want to be with anyone. I completely disagree. It should be lowering your ego. Ego stands between people like a thick walls lined with quality acoustic.”
And they would nod.
Either they were too busy watching my cleavage or they were fantasizing about banging me in so many ways.

Truth is, I had never been fair to anyone when it comes to personal relationship.
I'd never let anyone come close, I might try to lure them though, but any inch closer I'd go shrieking and running away.
I lowered my ego at every opportunity arise and gave them all a chance or two, but when I was about to believe that there must be something good going, that was when they start to make their biggest mistake.
They started to push things out, the way they want - or perceived as it should be - they laid out the figures before my eyes I never even had to figure what they expect of me.
And whenever that happens, my ego was squashed to the ground, mercilessly.
And then I had to make a choice.
I chose not to choose.

To put it bluntly, I am that vainglorious, capitalist bitch who loves a display shelf full of toys.
Yes, he who dies with the most toys win!
But the underlying thought is, I never had the heart to hurt anyone.
I didn't want anyone to come closer because I might hurt them.

Usually this is the time when someone steps up, gives me a hug and telling me that things will be okay.
And there should be balance in every situation, like yin and yang. The situation where us and the prospective love should fill in each other.
But do you mind, if I tell you that what I really want is exciting banters and formulations, clashing egos with no rooms to spare and emotional roller coaster that runs them, over and over again.
And when we're both get tired, I can rest my stubborn skull on his ribs. And he rests his on my crib.
Minds mangled, arms tangled yet the hearts are intertwined.
I might never obtain the exact situation that I sought after, but let's put down the perimeter fence now.
Sure, that might not be your perfect ideal of how a healthy relationship supposed to run, but you're not running the show, aren't you?
So you see, I am not complicated at all.

Now please, say whatever you want to say.